Ruach MeMalelah

Welcome Home

2009-05-06T05:25:00.000-07:00

Well, it has been a while... and there is so much to say. My husband asked me the other night if I'm happy being at home. I thought for a moment and answered, "I'm not unhappy; I just wish I was more productive. But really, I could be more productive, my problem, as we all know, is motivating myself, and I am not good at that." The real answer is that I want to be Mary Beth, or to be what I perceive her to be - a real Earth Mom to her children, someone fun, sexy and creative. I want to be laid back and confident. I wish I didn't have to worry about all the stuff that I worry about and that I could just be. On the other hand, I don't truthfully have so much to worry about, as my husband single-handedly takes care of our finances (which are in a bad situation), and lets me be oblivious as I want to be, and I don't read the news. But then I think about how I really would like to read the news and to know what's going on in the world. I do worry about our finances, and I would like to contribute to them and know that I'm making a difference in that area. And I also know that when I'm too laid back, I fall over.

So, as always, where's the balance between having an orderly home and having fun with my daughters, between being neat and put-together and becoming obsessive about it, as I easily could? How do I be myself when I've been lost for as long as I can remember? How can I make myself do something with my life when I've been in the same paralyzed situation for years? How do I avoid becoming even more of a broken record?

I had one of those late for class dreams the other night. I was in school and I found my way to every class - Economics, English, etc, and then, suddenly, I wasn't sure what day it was and what class I had next, and where the classroom was, and so I arrived late, and it turned out it was a class with a Rabbi who was my Rabbi before I got married, and whose Torah I love, and with whom I really connect. So, I walk in late, and everyone is staring at me because they know that this is my class, and I'm grinning because I'm so happy to be in this class again, and I sit down, and he starts directing his lecture right toward me, where I'm sitting in the back of the class. I don't think that it's too hard to understand what that dream means. I need to find my way back to my Torah, back to my roots, back to the Source of my life, because seriously, how long can I continue complaining about how I'm lost before I fix it?

Ten Minutes

2008-08-13T14:44:00.000-07:00

I read a blog somewhat recently who suggested writing for ten minutes - just starting to write, and ten minutes later, see what's there. So, this is my attempt...

I am disappointed. I'm disappointed with myself and my life and all the challenges I don't take and all the demons I don't face. I want more. I've always wanted more, and even worse, I've always believed that I'm destined for more. But more than what? It's not that I think being a wife and mother isn't enough for me. It's not that I think those things can't fulfill me. It's not that I don't want to be a wife or a mother, or whatever else I am. I want to be MORE wife, MORE mother, MORE me. But, I've also spent a good deal of time cutting myself off from myself - becoming, as Steve would say, a talking head. I really miss Steve. As much as my work in that class was somewhat contrived, I still gained so much from it - I let myself go and let myself get into it much more that I expected. Anyway, I digress. I was saying that I want to be more, but I'm not even sure who I really am anymore. This applies to all aspects of my life, too - physical, mental, intellectual, spiritual, emotional, religious, mystical, sexual, etc, etc, etc. (You know, I always say it that way, but who says I ever was sure who I was? But again, I digress.) I always wished that the mental or spiritual issues could be extracted and dealt with in a physical way, like untying knots, which I happen to be very good at. I suppose it stands to reason that if I'm good at untying physical knots, I should be good at untying the emotional, sexual, etc ones as well. But perhaps not. Maybe I'm just good with my hands. Really, I know what my problem is. I don't like to try things. I like to know that I know what I'm doing, and then do it. This is why I've been stagnant for the past number of years - I'm trying to figure it out before trying to do it, and life just doesn't seem to work that way after all. The story goes that when I started walking, I didn't let anyone know I was trying until one day, my mother told me that I couldn't go somewhere unless I could walk there myself, and I stood up on my feet and walked across the room. I was twenty months old. Hard to believe, seeing as that's older than my middle daughter, and she's already trying to learn how to jump. But that's not the point. The point is that there is no correct way to live that can be divined in advance. The way to live is just to live. The way to be more is just to be more. The way to have meaning is to make it meaningful, make life into what I want it to be...as soon as I figure out what that is.

Wow. That was more than ten minutes. I'll definitely try this again sometime...

Mind Games

2008-06-29T04:07:00.000-07:00

Today, my husband made an offer that was meant as a helpful suggestion. But as I felt myself react, I realized that I was not taking in that way. It wasn't about how he said it, or about what he said, but intrinsically, I felt that his offer was undermining to me. I felt that his implication was that I am not capable. He said, "I'm just trying to help you." And I said, "I know. I guess I resent that." So where I could just say, "sure, thanks," I know I would be resentful inside, and I don't really mean, "sure, thanks." So, I told him that I can't talk about it right now. But will I ever be able to talk about it? Will I ever be able to live my life in a less screwed-up way?

Ten

2008-06-01T00:18:00.001-07:00

A meme I saw on someone else's blog, and I sometimes like to do these for a diversion... So, here it is:

Ten years ago, I was gearing up for my last year of university. I was in summer school, taking two courses: Twentieth Century Womens' Writing, and Science and Creativity. Both were tons of fun, and I really learned a lot.

Ten months ago, I was just finished nursing my middle daughter, and was about to find out I was pregnant with the little one.

Ten days ago, I was comforting my oldest daughter after she was scared at the Lag B'Omer bonfire (a huge piece of burning cardboard fell right near her, but she was looking the other way, so she was more frightened when the neighbor unexpectedly grabbed her away.)

Ten minutes ago, I was enjoying listening to Bon Jovi, and putting on deoderant

Ten seconds ago, I was counting back ten days.

Ten seconds from now, I'll be counting ahead.

Ten minutes from now, I'll be posting this to my blog.

Ten days from now, I'll be taking the baby for her two-month checkup.

Ten months from now, I'll be cleaning for Pesach and planning a first birthday party.

Ten years from now, I'll be out there, selling my books.

That was fun!

Exhausted and Normal

2008-05-05T12:34:00.000-07:00

There is so much to write about and no time to do anything. I want to be able to sum up how I'm feeling, but so much of it is just too raw. I love my girls, and I'm loving them more every day. They love each other - especially the big girls loving the baby. I'm trying to discipline with and through love, and I think I'm actually getting somewhere with it. There is so much positive stuff in my life now and I'm truly blessed.

But I'm also exhausted, and I can't give time that I don't have. I'm learning to give it to myself and take care of myself when I need to during the day. But at night, and after I nurse I'm totally gone. I'm exhausted and freezing, and moody and it's my husband, once again, who's suffering. He just wants to spend time together. I'm finally available, but then I'm not really available. I let the girls stay up a little later to be able to see him, and it turns into an hour and a half of time that should have been "us time." And then I fall asleep when putting them to bed. And why? Yes, it is because I know he wants to see them. But mainly, it's because I don't know what spending time together means. I ask him if he wants to play a game or watch a movie, but he's not interested. I know that I don't have the head for learning together right now, and I'll just fall asleep if we try to read together. So, now the answer is clear - I'll just have to ask him what he thinks spending time together is about. And we'll talk about it. Like a normal couple.

Mazal Tov!

2008-04-30T05:25:00.000-07:00

We had another baby girl about two weeks ago - and home in time for the seder... She's a cute and cuddly addition to the family. More to come.

Can't Rush the Process

2008-03-27T12:55:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I took a long, hard look at myself and I realized that it's true. I don't want to be responsible. I just want to be taken care of. Now, I don't mind taking care of my kids, for the most part, but when it comes to my husband, I just don't want to be the responsible one. And that stinks. Because I'd be a great wife, and a great mom, if I'd let myself. If I'd get over whatever it is that's holding me back.

Also, another thing I realized tonight. My husband mentioned one of our neighbors, saying, "Isn't it great that they have a normal relationship - that he's taking the night off of learning with me because his wife WANTS to spend time with him?" To which I responded, "Just yesterday, I told you that I was upset when I thought we wouldn't get to eat dinner together." His response? "You never want to spend time with me, so what does that even mean?" Inside, I broke at that comment. You know why? Because it means that he wants me to change six years all at once. It's not just me who feels that way. It means that he wishes there was something I could do that would erase the pain of the past six years of our marriage. Well, so do I, honey, so do I. But it's not that simple. I know, "yesh koneh olamo b'sha'a achat" - one can earn his place in the next world in one hour (or one turn around). But in reality, it's a process. I'm not good at following through with these things, but I know I can do it. I'm not willing to let this all continue this way. There is just too much pain.

PS I know I'm contradicting this post, but maybe that's a good thing?

Pressure

2008-03-20T15:02:00.000-07:00

Hey, there... Well, here we are at 35 weeks, and who knows how far we'll make it? I mean, with a blood pressure of 150's/90's, I could be rushing to the hospital any day. And to be honest, I don't like being in limbo. But, I would like to give my baby as much of a chance to grow as I can. I'm just sooooo tired. I don't remember being this way with either of my girls. I feel like I just can't get enough rest. Maybe that's because I don't get enough rest. And I don't take my iron. In any case, this was just an update on me. I hope to make it at least another week or two. Three and a half weeks would be ideal - so, before Pesach, and back from the hospital for the seder... Wish me strength - and low pressure...

Resigned

2008-03-17T13:18:00.000-07:00

I am resigned to the sadness. I am lonely, and I accept that that isn't changing. I know the feeling - I recognize it, and I recognize how I react to it, and I even know that it doesn't have to be that way, that life could be so much more...everything. My life could be meaningful, could be filled with love and health and good relationships. Yet, I do nothing....

Negativity

2008-02-17T02:57:00.000-08:00

I feel like people have more time than I do. But maybe that's just because they are better at managing and not wasting their time? Or maybe it's because I'm such a slow mover? At any rate, I've been thinking a lot about negativity - my negativity. I'm not going to ask all of those "why" questions that I usually ask, because I realize that they really have no answers and that the asking is not productive at all, and only propels me further into negativity... And I'm not going to ask any "how" questions because I've been doing that for years, and I haven't come up with any satisfactory answers. So, what are the right questions to ask? Is that a good question? This train of thought feels just as unproductive. It feels like asking the same questions in a different way. And then I realize that my problem isn't in the asking of questions - even the "why" or "how" questions. What causes problems for me is the fact that I don't allow the questions to fester. I am impatient. I want to have all the answers already. I don't really accept or ask the questions, in and of themselves. When I ask myself questions that should help me grow/help me find my path, I don't allow myself to appreciate each question, to turn it over and over, examining possible answers, and TRYING different methods/options. No, I ask a question, and then expect myself to have an immediate answer, and to have implemented the answer. So, no wonder I'm impatient with myself. No wonder I never cut myself any slack. No wonder I can't seem to make any changes in my life...

So, I know what I need to do. It's a process, I guess (I've always hated that word), and I don't have any choice, if I want to get anywhere. I guess that deep down, even though I walk the walk and talk the talk, I don't think I need to get anywhere else in life, other than where I am. I've thought that I'm okay as I am - indeed, that I'm doing a good job and am able to cope. But in truth, I'm a mess, my home is a mess, my relationships are a mess, and I'm just getting worse. Life, as they say, is a "down escalator." There are no breaks, no free rides. I'm on my own. Even all the support I could get or want from my spouse, friends, children, etc, couldn't make me become anything, if I'm not doing the work. Yes, this is something that I've known, something I've been told. As the Mesilat Yesharim says in his introduction, "I don't come to tell you anything new, but to remind of that which you already know." And I'm doing that for myself, now.

If I feel that I'm not getting enough time and space for myself, it's up to me to find time. If I feel that I'm bogged down by endless housework, it's up to me to figure out a system in which it all gets done. If I feel alone, it's up to me to connect to people. And so on, and so on...

It's up to me to be positive, and to connect. I can't wait for someone else to take my hand and show me love, I have to take his hand, and give the love that I feel is missing. And then it'll be present. It doesn't matter who is giving and who is receiving - everyone benefits from a positive environment. So creating that environment is a gift to myself as much as it is a gift to the rest of my family. What comes out of this? A resolution? No, a decision to be conscious in my interactions. To create the atmosphere I want to live in, one day at a time, one action at a time. To give, and not to expect too much.

Now, I know that many out there, especially Beth, would say that this attitude is one that will only bring me burnout in the future. But, I disagree. I'm not saying that I should give to others and not to myself. I am saying that I should give. I've only been taking, and now it's time to give.

Values

2008-02-12T23:03:00.000-08:00

It's not so much that I want to be doing something different with my life, but rather, that I want to be happy with what I'm doing. I want to feel like I'm doing what I should be doing, living how I want to live, and that even if I don't have exactly the life I want, that I'm working toward that and can achieve it in my lifetime. I want to love hard and live free... But if those are indeed my values, how come I'm not living according to them already???

Babysitting

2008-01-22T05:33:00.000-08:00

So, my one year-old is home with me. I'm a work from home mom. This means that sometimes, when she naps, I'm able to work uninterrupted. At other times, when she is roaming around, she gets frustrated that I'm not paying enough attention to her and turns off my computer. She is fully aware of what she is doing, I am convinced. Or, she grabs the mouse, or clicks random buttons on the keyboard. Sometimes, she does her own thing, like practicing learning how to walk, or "reading" a board book, or eating. But, other times, she needs and wants my attention. And the little that I give her is probably not enough. So, I'm contemplating, like I have for about 6 months now, sending her to a babysitter. I love being with her, and I love having her with me. But I also need to work. The question is if I can rearrange my day to be able to give her my attention at certain times, and work at other times. Sometimes, for example, I get work in the evenings that I do when the kids are asleep already. If that happens, I can choose to work less hours the next day, possibly, and be with the daughter in the afternoon when she's awake. Especially since once the older one gets home at four, I'm paying less attention to younger girl. But, my work is inconsistent... so whenever I have it, I do it. So, back to the question - maybe it would be better for the younger girl to be with a babysitter, at least for a few hours a day. Maybe if her nap can be moved to the afternoon, and she goes to a babysitter in the morning, things can work out okay. Except that I wouldn't be spending the time with her, really, if she's sleeping the whole time she's home... Well, after Pesach, she'll definitely be going to a babysitter, anyway. We'll have a new baby around, and I won't be able to work at all if there are two of them here... I'm tempted to just put off the decision until then. The feeling of her coming over and leaning on my leg as I work, or smiling at me, or seeing her try her walking is just something I don't want to give up yet right now. I want to savor these last few months with her. Let's see.

Why I'm Up in the Middle of the Night

2007-12-31T00:34:00.000-08:00

I feel angry and disappointed. I don't want to forgive and I don't believe in forgetting. I heard the apology, but it's just not enough. I'm tired of not having the space to change things. I know I'm not the only one who wants it to be different. I know that I sometimes see only one side of the story and I may therefore seem negative. But... But I want things to go my way for once. I want to feel something other than anger. And this time it was so much worse, because I tried. I tried not to disappoint. I tried to open myself up to the pain and pleasure. I tried to join in - something that has always been a bit of an issue for me. I didn't reserve judgment or hold out. I tried to be engaged fully. And all I got for it was anger and disappointment. I acknowledged my wishes and asked for what I wanted, and then it didn't happen. I know objectively that I do the same thing sometimes, that life often goes the exact opposite way. But I don't really see how that should make me feel any better. If anything, it would make me feel worse, because now I understand what I've been doing. But it doesn't make me want to change. It makes me want to be even more selfish. It makes me want for myself what I can't give to others. It makes me greedy and grasping, and ugly. It makes me say, "Why can't things go my way for once?" It makes me feel powerless, and unable to sleep. It makes me bitter and unresponsive. It saps me of any love I may feel. It makes it so much harder to become the person I want to become with the life I want to have and the relationships I want. It makes it hard to love my family, and even harder to be giving and loving. It fills me with more anger, instead of helping me rid myself of the poison of it. It makes me feel so out of control. And what I need to do, what I've been wanting and needing to do is to take control. But the bitterness and disappointment make me feel that I can't take control, that if I do, it will all just backfire in the end, that I'll never get what I want and then I'll just be bitter forever. So, all I can do is control the small piece of the world that is me. All I can do is try to master myself. All I can do is increase the love, and hope that one day it will finally outweigh the anger.

Compartmentalized

2007-12-12T02:57:00.000-08:00

There are a lot of people out there blogging about pregnancy - about the cocoon, the space, the haven of it. I have never experienced it like that. Not before my miscarriage, not with either of my girls, and not now. I am moving closer to it, I think, spending time paying attention to the small movements I feel, and just holding my belly as I lie in bed at night, trying to relax, or wind down, or whatever. But it's still all the same issue (of course). I feel torn in too many directions at once. I know I've talked about compartmentalization before, and I am not very much in favor of living life that way, but this "feeling," this way of being with the unborn baby is something that sounds so good, so peaceful, so much like what I am looking for. And yet, I still don't take time for myself. I still deny myself any privilege, either as a person or as a pregnant woman. Why? Is it because in my community, pregnant women are a dime a dozen, and this isn't my first child, after all, never mind that I didn't do it then? I don't think that's it.

I believe that the issue is one of compartmentalization, and my inability to get the hang of it. Why? Well, I can't just be with a baby who hasn't even arrived yet when the other kids need a bath, the floor hasn't been swept, all the toys are all over the place, dinner hasn't been planned, my husband wants my attention, and I'm behind on work. And so many other things, too. And of course, my family and work have to be a priority... So, where do I fit in? Where does the unborn baby, clamoring already for attention, fit in? And how do any of these relationships really work? People will tell you it's about giving. But, I either give so much that I get burnt out, or I neglect to give because I'm worried about burning out. The answer is that I need to take the time for myself, and when better to do this than now, just halfway through a third pregnancy, about to go on a three-week vacation where my relatives want to go out with me and treat me? Why not let them? Part of the reason for this vacation is my birthday, after all...

But, about compartmentalization (because this entry is rambling off somewhere else, so I'm trying to bring it back to where I want it to be), on the one hand, it seems that this cocoon of pregnancy, this chrysalis is something all-encompassing. It's something that takes over the life of the pregnant woman until she gives birth, or even later than that... But on the other hand, it seems imperative to let go of everything else in order to make the space for the baby and for myself, to push everything else aside, off the table. And that is what seems so difficult for me. I can't push everything else aside because I'm worried about never coming back to it. I'm worried about losing track of how many doors I've closed and suddenly realizing that I've neglected some other priority. And those priorities are real, are things that can't be ignored - we need them. I need to be there for my children and my husband (not that I can be, if I'm not there for myself, but that'll be my next post). I need to work. I need to clean the house. So many things just need to be done by me - how do I make/have the time for all of them? Ahh, something to reflect upon while on vacation.

Mutually Exclusive

2007-12-01T23:31:00.000-08:00

So, I'm not American. I won't be voting in either the Primaries or the elections. Thank God! I'm also not extremely political by nature, nor am I usually extremely interested in politics. But... it all does come up in my work, on the Internet, in conversation. So, well, something bothered me in the recent YouTube debate last Wednesday night. Not that I watched it. No, I just had to watch a whole bunch of commentary on it for my work. So, what bothered me was this: in a country - one of the only countries in the world - where there is ostensibly a separation between Church and State, where that Separation is of ultimate importance, and was of ultimate importance to those who established it, where diversity is the name of the game, how come people were asking the presidential candidates questions about how they view the Bible, or what Jesus would think about this or that? Why is it important if Mitt Romney is a Mormon (though I'm now fairly certain that he won't be the next President, and very likely, he won't ever be President at all)? You know, I thought that of all the candidates, Romney had a good chance of making it to the top (not that I support any specific candidate, not being American after all). Maybe not in this election, but perhaps somewhere down the road. But, now, no way. Now that I know he's a Mormon, I know that the American public will never vote him into office...

But, I digress. And as witty as that comeback was - was it Huckabee who said it - "Jesus was smart enough never to run for public office, that's what Jesus would do!" well, still, who really cares? What political difference does it make what Jesus would say about Capital Punishment? I'm not naive enough to think that people can all be like my University History professor who was so compartmentalized that God was not allowed in his classroom, and yet he was on the ecumenical council of his Church. In fact, I don't think that it's healthy in any way to be like that - emotionally, spiritually, politically. So, yes, religion probably does factor into where on the political spectrum any given candidate stands on any given issue - be it abortion, Capital Punishment, immigration (?), but to word it that way seemed extremely dangerous to me in a liberal country like America. Does it matter if any candidate takes the Bible literally? How would that fact affect anything on his or her platform? Is Jesus running in this election? No. Then who really cares what he would do or say about anything? Nobody knows anyway, and so it's all up to anybody's interpretation. Of course, my history professor would say that anything anyone says about Jesus is up to anybody's interpretation, but that's neither here nor there, and I'm just rambling now.

As I started out by saying, I'm not American, I'm not voting, and this election doesn't affect me too much one way or the other. I live in Israel, and in my opinion, one American President is pretty much the same as the next. Everyone who tries or wants to do anything in my corner of the world probably has some agenda of their own, whether it's Hillary Clinton, Rudy Giuliani or Barack Obama. Perhaps one would have a "better" or "more friendly" agenda than another, but in all, they're all the same. They don't have my interests in mind, and I'm not really interested in what they do have in mind. So, yeah, this election doesn't really affect me much more than any other non-American who doesn't live or want to live in the US, apart from members of my family who do live there. What bothers me is a matter of principle, I suppose. If Church and State are mutually exclusive, well then, don't mention one in the context of the other. Period.

Infertility Revisited (the topic, not the condition)

2007-11-29T05:08:00.000-08:00

I've got one more for November. I know, it was a far cry from the every day posting of NaBloPoMo, but hey, for someone who barely posts one a month or two, getting four or five in in one month is an accomplishment. And I'd like to keep it up. One day, maybe I will be able to post every day and have loads of readers and commenters...

In any case, what I wanted to write about today is something I've touched on before. I've been thinking about it for a few months, letting it stew, and then today, I met someone who drove it home for me. We advertised a while ago that we want to sell our car. So, the other day, someone called, saying he wanted to come see it, and today, he came, with his friend and his wife. So, he and the friend went for a little spin while the wife stayed behind and chatted with me by the curbside. She asked me if I have any kids, and I told her about my girls. So then, I figured I'd ask her, although she didn't strike me as someone who had kids, but who am I to judge, really? So, I did. Even though I don't like to ask women if they have children because I know how painful it can be to say no. But she had asked, and I'd like to say that I sensed she wanted to tell me something, but I just wanted to say the right thing, and I figured that if she asked, she wanted me to ask her, or at least it was okay to ask. So I did. The conversation went like this:

Me: So, what about you? Do you have any kids?
Her: I'm still waiting.
Me: (not sure if she is purposely waiting or, you know, waiting) Uhu.
Her: Well, Sarah waited a long time.
Me: (still thinking she's waiting on purpose) Well, you might not want to wait that long.
Her: Yeah, not sure if I'd want to be a mother at ninety...
Me: (finally realizing that she meant waiting, and not wanting to put my foot in it further by telling her if she waits that long it'll never happen) Right. The Waiting is tough.
Her: We're thinking of adopting now.
Me: Really? Wow. That's a big decision.
Her: Well, I've had three miscarriages...

I felt terrible. I mean, in retrospect, I think that she wanted to talk to me about it. I have a history of random people talking to me about personal things in weird places. So, this wasn't a bus stop, but it was pretty random. Maybe I give off an aura of someone who cares. Not to say that I don't care. I felt terrible for her situation, and wanted to tell her about my history. But her husband came back and they got ready to go, so all I could say was, "Good luck." And I did. I said it a few times as they left, trying to make up for my misunderstanding and insensitivity, and the fact that I hadn't shared my own story with her.

But again, this brings me back to the question of fertility and infertility. This is not an infertility blog, but I do read lots of those - and a lot of mom blogs that are written by ex-infertiles, or still infertiles, or successful infertiles, or whatever you want to call them. And now, I have an announcement to make. I'm pregnant. Yes, you heard me, I'm expecting again. This time at Pesach. Yes, I know, believe me, I was as shocked as you are. My younger daughter is eleven months old now, and will be, please God, 15.5 months old when the new baby is born.

Why am I shocked? Because this happened with no interventions. None. Not even Clomid. Not even temping. Nothing. The doctor said that it was possible for a woman's body to "reset" itself sometimes after a birth, but when it didn't happen after my first daughter was born, well, I thought it wasn't going to happen, ever. I thought, "Yeah, sometimes that happens, but it doesn't happen to me." But it did happen. And I'm having a hard time telling people I'm pregnant. I always have a hard time with it, but now I'm having a harder time. People have kids close together all the time, especially where I live, and in Israel in general, so it's not really that. But I'm definitely more embarrassed than usual to tell people of my delicate condition. Why? Because I feel like it's not me. That happens to other people. I feel like I have no right to be pregnant now. I feel like it's some cruel joke that's going to fall apart at any minute, leaving me empty and sobbing. And I'm not trying to be melodramatic. I really feel sort-of lost about this pregnancy.

But as it becomes more real - my stomach grows, and I can feel someone moving around in there, it's becoming familiar again, and the fear that it will all vanish becomes even stronger. I need this to work. I need to have a healthy baby this spring, for so many reasons. But the strongest reason of all is that I want to prove that I am also completely normal. I can also have babies the old-fashioned way.

Empowered with Dignity

2007-11-12T02:50:00.000-08:00

Another perhaps on-the-edge post - haven't had one of those in a while...

I was reading some erotic literature not too long ago, and I was disturbed by something. Even if women were the "strong" characters in a story, it was rare for the "weak" character to be male - where there was a strong female character giving orders, the one taking orders was usually also female. This made me wonder about two things. First, who is writing these stories? What is their point? Is whoever writes these stories trying to appeal to a certain audience (keeping in mind that this was a for-women forum)? Is he or she trying to send a message about roles in society - even a society like the one portrayed in erotic literature? Even when two women were portrayed, the strong one was the "butch" character. Is that built in because of social expectations/norms? Would it be true to say that in order for a woman to be "strong" she had to be more "male?"

Second - and related, perhaps this accurately reflects reality? Now, of course I know that erotic literature does not accurately reflect most people's reality. What I mean is that maybe women are actually writing these stories, and they are writing out their own fantasies - do they want to be dominated? Do they want to be told what to do? Do they want to be objectified? Yes, in the end, everyone gets their pleasure, but is that the route to pleasure for women? Or, at least, is that the route that these authors are telling us is their fantasy? And since people do read this, is this what appeals to the readers, as well?

Makes me think, do I want to be a strong woman? What is my fantasy, not only sexually, but in life - who am I aiming to become? What direction am I trying to take? I feel that strong woman emerging sometimes - will that be appreciated, both by myself and by those close to me? Because no matter how much my husband encourages me to be a strong woman, something in me resists this. Is it just me, or is it everyone?

I read this article yesterday, and though it's not exactly what I'm talking about, it raises a bigger, and possibly more subtle question for me. I feel that there is a difference between being a "strong woman," and the implications involved in that, and being empowered with dignity. Rabbi Boteach does not really address this in his article. He talks about being strong, and he talks about returning dignity to women, but he doesn't really explain what he's getting at, or even what he thinks would be ideal.

Personally, I do not think that I would want to be (like) Hillary Clinton. But, I would still like to be empowered, and therein lies the difference. Perhaps a woman who is empowered with dignity can choose when to shed that dignity, when to be strong and when to be weak. She can be in control, quietly. That is who I want to be. My husband always talks about how he likes that I am tz'nua (in a very encouraging and good way, not in a patronizing way), and that is who I want to be. I want to run the world from behind a curtain. I want to write anonymous bestsellers. I want to feel the love and admiration without being embarrassed by a showy public display. Sometimes I want to be in control and sometimes I don't. And I want to be able to call the shots. Empowered with dignity.

Sick

2007-11-03T16:22:00.000-07:00

No, not me...the baby is not well...Ten months old and has a somewhat hacking cough and not sleeping well etc. It's so sad when little kids are sick. They just let out all the frustration, kind of like I would like to, but adults can't get away with that. Actually, my husband does that too sometimes when he is sick - lies in bed and moans and groans until somebody (me) pays attention. Anyway, the baby. So sad. Off to the doctor tomorrow morning. No time to waste!

Confrontation

2007-11-01T15:37:00.000-07:00

Being confronted with all the things you know about yourself, but had hoped that nobody ever noticed...well, that's a real kick in the face. I mean it. It's tough to face yourself, to know that you're handicapped when it comes to so many things. But, it's tougher to be told that somebody else has also noticed these things about you. It's the kind of thing that leaves you speechless, that makes conversation almost obsolete. It's the kind of thing that, well, it makes you realize exactly what it is you need to do, exactly where in your life that change is needed...and it might help you know how to begin that change. Maybe.

November

2007-10-31T14:53:00.000-07:00

...is National Blog Posting Month, and even though I don't live in the US, I wanted to take part because, hey, I have nothing to lose. I don't have any readers right now, anyway, and I'm not writing much, so by taking part in NaBloPoMo, I may be able to gain on all fronts...See you tomorrow.

You Know Who You Are

2007-10-14T15:22:00.000-07:00

Dear You,

How can you expect me to be interested when you keep commenting about how disappointed you are in the state of things? How do you expect me to behave when I know that you'll tell me later that I did what I did because I felt guilty? I know that there is an issue. I know that I have to fix things. I know that I'm running out of time... Yes, I know. I know that you've given me time - lots of time... I also know that I'm nowhere near being me now, so how can I be who you need? I'm not able to be anything but me, so how can I be who you want? And yet, on the other hand, who am I, anyway?

Recharging Those Batteries

2007-10-08T03:10:00.000-07:00

Beth wrote the other day about recharging yourself and what people, or maybe women in particular do to take care of themselves, and I had a lot to say on the topic, so rather than leave a comment there, I decided to write a whole post about it.

Beth asks at the end of her post:

"How do you keep the tank full?
If you realize it is almost on empty - how do you start to refill it before you get physically ill?

How do you strike a balance between taking care of yourself and self indulgence?"

I think that these are excellent questions. My husband is always telling me to take time for myself and not get burnt out. He tells me this because I'm always complaining about being exhausted and about how I have no time for the things I love doing, or used to love doing, or want to love doing. He tells me to get the housework done early so that I can relax. He tells me to get myself treats or go out with friends once in a while, and sometimes, I actually try to do what he suggests.

I have a friend with whom I go out for coffee every few months. We'd like it to be more often, but it just doesn't happen, and even when it does, well, it's nice, but I wouldn't say that I feel necessarily energized by the meeting. In contrast, a few weeks ago, before the holidays, or between the holidays or something, (I tend to lose track at this time of year) I needed to get out, and so I went out with my husband for breakfast one morning and then we both began work a bit late. Even though it didn't exactly work out as we expected, and we didn't end up getting a full breakfast, but rather ate bourekas and drank Lemon Lime soda, that excursion with my husband felt much better to me than the trip in to see my friend. And seeing my friend doesn't involve any real headaches, like planning or organizing - we always meet in the same place at the same time, usually on a Tuesday, that's how predictable we are. Usually, I get a lift in to Jerusalem, and am able to get home easily by bus in plenty of time to pick up my older daughter. I don't mind bringing the younger one with me, and since we meet in the Central Bus Station, getting home is made very easy. Yet, it's still not something that energizes me, and because ostensibly, it's supposed to be, I tend to wonder why. Well, maybe it's because, even though this friend of mine is one of my very best friends, we've known each other for ages, and seem to be on the same page a lot of the time, I feel like I have to be someone I'm not when I'm with her. I've felt that way for many years around most of my friends, and I guess it explains why I'm always so exhausted...

Also, a few months ago, I decided to invest some energy into giving myself more energy. So, I started going to a shiur, and I initiated a creative writing group because these were two areas in which I felt that I was lacking lately and I wanted to give myself a boost in my Torah learning, and my writing. It was good, but not as good as it could have been. The writing group ended up being a bit too much of an effort, as it was held at someone else's house, right in the middle of the morning, when it's not incredibly convenient to drop everything and go somewhere, especially if you're supposed to be working. Also, I had to confirm with every member of the group every week, which became tedious even though it was a small group, and sometimes I would miss one of them, or something, and then someone else would miss the group. And the shiur was difficult because I had to bring my baby and she made noise most times and I felt bad about that.

Perhaps these seem like small complaints, or kind of silly, considering. What do I expect, anyway? Do I want the whole world to suddenly do things in a way that's convenient for me? I know that that would be totally unrealistic. And there are solutions for all these issues. I could have said that I only wanted to hold the writing group at my own home (which creates its own issues). I could have made a rotation between the four or five members of our group so that it was more convenient at least part of the time, and every week would be best for one person. I could have found someone to watch my daughter for the one hour of the shiur, or the three hours of the combined shiur and writing group. I didn't want to pay for something like that, but I could have figured something out. All things considered, I did what I thought was the best choice in the situation. One woman in the writing group is a bit older and has issues with walking and doesn't have a car, so we decided to hold the group at her home. I still feel that that was the right thing to do, and would do it again the same way. As I said, I didn't want to pay for babysitting and the baby really was a lot smaller and less mobile then.

In any case, one of the participants approached me about restarting the group, and I'm a bit hesitant because I feel that it wasn't the pick-me-up it was supposed to be. Now, I know that the solution is to make it into what I want it to be. The shiur has also restarted and I'm not sure about it either. Maybe I'm scared of things being too good? I use the fact that I have to work and that money is scarce as an excuse. We do have a lot of debt, and we do need to pay it off sometime in this lifetime. But that's just the point that Beth was making in her post. She was saying that women get burnt out because they keep giving those excuses to themselves and others, and then they never get to rest and recharge, unless they get sick, and honestly, what kind of recharge is that? So I do want to find the things that I can fit into my schedule and that will help me grow and be me. The question is how to do it...

Keep your eyes open for part two of this post - where I try to answer all of these questions, at least for myself.

Everything is Good

2007-10-07T02:31:00.000-07:00

The other day, I called a friend of mine just to say hi. Just to let her know that everything is good. We hadn't spoken in a while with the chagim and everything, so I decided to call her up and say hello. What I told her was that I often call people when I'm in a crisis situation, so I wanted to call her when I wasn't in that situation. I wanted to call her and say, "I value you as a person, and that's why we're friends. It's not because you help me out when I fall apart. It's because you are you and I like who you are." I told her that maybe later, I will have a crisis, but for the moment, everything is good. And I feel like doing that for my blog too. I was about to start on a post that was another complaint, just like all the other ones about how I don't want to change or how life is dragging me down or something like that. But then I thought to myself that life is good. I have wonderful moments where I feel that everything is as it should be - my life is full. And there is no reason not to share that with whoever might be out there reading this. So know, I like you and that's why I want you around. Not because of how I can lean on you, but for who you are...

2007-09-09T21:15:00.000-07:00

I once wrote a post like this, but never actually posted it... So, since the thought has occurred to me again, I want to write about it. Many people - both in real life and in the blogoshpere - talk about how their husband is the best, most amazing, wonderful man in the world and how they feel so lucky to be married to him. I put it this way, both because I am a woman, so I guess I connect more with the idea of speaking about a "husband", and because, with the exception of Robert, there aren't too many men who speak that same way about their wives. I'm not questioning that men feel the same way about their wives, but that is really a discussion for another time, and one that does not belong in this post.

So, back to the original thought: it's not that I question these women, because I believe that they really feel that way, and I do think they are really lucky to be able to say those things. On the other hand, I'm jealous. I want to say that and believe it. I want my marriage to be a haven. I want my husband to be my best friend, and I want to be his best friend. I want all of the things we dreamed of when we first met. I want to be comfortable together, and grow old together, and be one of those couples that just seems "perfect" together - and to really feel "perfect" together. But somehow, it's just not happening for me, for us...and I know that it's my fault. Why? Because I also want it to be easy. And it isn't. It's not supposed to be, either.

So, what do I need? How can I break the destructive cycle that we're in now? What can I do to fix this terrible situation? Because I don't want our relationship to be a blank, or a question mark. I want it to be, well, a relationship. I know that it all starts with me working on myself, becoming the person I need to be... But haven't I been trying to do that for the past number of years? Or have I? Am I just pretending, making excuses to myself and my husband? I know he thinks so. And he is correct when he says that I usually/often/always fail to follow through on my commitments. So I guess that that's where I begin. And what better time to do that than now - erev Rosh HaShanna... Resolutions, anyone?

Inspiration

2007-05-12T23:20:00.000-07:00

We recently took a trip to my hometown, and I had a great time. I was so nervous because every time we've gone, there has been a big disaster and lots of tension. Well, it went fine, and what's more, I feel great. I feel alive again, like I haven't felt in years. I MUST harness this feeling and do something positive with it, so it doesn't disappear under the layers of stuff that is life... especially since it isn't an overwhelming aliveness, just a budding feeling that needs to grow. So I've made a few resolutions - daily and weekly stuff that I want to use to help me keep my spirits up and on the rise - here they are:

1. Spend at least 10 minutes a day in my own space
2. Spend at least one hour a week beautifying our home in some way
3. Get in touch with people that I saw on our trip as well as other friends I want to be in contact with.
4. Be on top of to-do lists
5. Write and try to publish articles

I'm working on it. I'll let you know soon how it's going...

Random Thoughts

2007-04-17T14:22:00.000-07:00

There are so many things I should write about, but I'm just not focused at the mo. I got the job and then lost it (good riddance!)...and am looking again.

Why do things have to come in extremes? Is it just me? Maybe I'm just an extreme type of person...

There are so few things that I really KNOW about myself - do I try and find more, or just let them come to me?

Today, and old and dear friend told me that "we always looked up to you as the poet. You were deep and sensitive, and you were you - even if you weren't loud about it...". That's really sweet. It made me feel good and bad at the same time. Good because it's nice to know that my friends thought something so nice about ME. And bad because I'm not those things anymore. I've become two-dimensional, and I'm trying too hard to be everything that I think I should be instead of everything I really am inside.

People always talk about finding the treasure in your backyard, but you still have to find it - meaning, the yard is big and you still have to hunt... I guess that being aware of where the treasure is is a good start, but unearthing it is still a task...

Is everything in life difficult? Is it wrong to expect/want things to be easy?

Today is a new day...

2007-02-26T23:08:00.000-08:00

So, I went for a job interview yesterday and at the end, the interviewer says to me that he likes to give feedback to the people he meets. So he tells me that I'm still in the running, he just wants to finish interviewing everyone, and I definitely have the type of skills they're looking for and am personable etc etc etc...

But then, he tells me that I didn't seem energetic and excited enough and he's only still interested because he was watching closely and saw my eyes light up when he spoke about what the company does...

This really upset me for some reason, and I think it's related to something else that I've been thinking about for the past couple of days. I live much more in the past or future than in the present simply because it's easier that way. Most of the strong emotions I've felt in life have been negative. And even those that are positive seem like they have to be painful. For example, every time I let myself feel exactly how much I love my children, I cry. This upsets me for two reasons. The first is that my mother is the same way and it always bothered me growing up. I don't want to be that way now. The second reason it irks me is that it means I spend so much of my life worried that something will go wrong, that I don't enjoy anything as it's happening. My older daughter woke up at 5:30am and asked me to come to her room and lie down with her in bed. So when I got there I was scared to check on the baby because what if something had happened to her? What if she wasn't breathing?

Now, I realize that, at least according to Shlomo HaMelech, "love is strong as death", but it doesn't make you forget that death is coming. I'm so scared to get hurt in a way that will prevent me from functioning that I don't allow myself to function like I should in the here and now. I don't get excited. I don't let out the energy that I have inside, and I'm sure that if I did live life that way, I would have more energy and I would be able to do more with my life. I would be the creative person that I know I am inside. I wouldn't be paralyzed by fear of everything. I would actually follow things through. I would do my best at everything. I would try new things and have a ready answer for every question. I would look for fun and actually experience it.

Well, that's who I am and who I want to be. Can I be that person? Of course. Do I know how? Just do it, I guess. When? Starting now.

Hey, here I am, under the diapers...

2007-02-06T11:12:00.000-08:00

...and there are a lot of them, what with two cute tushies now in diapers...

Yup, the baby has arrived (over a month ago, but hey, it's never too late to alert the blogosphere...) and she is even cuter than I hoped. Just getting into the groove now, but hey, that's a lot sooner than with my first daughter, so I'm okay with that.

I'll be back to blogging soon...maybe.

Communication

2006-12-21T15:28:00.000-08:00

For a number of years I've been telling people that I'm not good at communication. Not only not good, but I suck. So, when I was dating, I felt that it was important to look for someone who at least valued communication in marriage, and hopefully was also good at it. Well, my husband is a pretty good communicator, and after 4 years of marriage, I still suck. Maybe not as badly as I did - at least now I know what I'm thinking most of the time, which is an improvement, but not voicing those thoughts is still a failure...

But I realized something the other day. I always thought of myself as a writer - and it just doesn't make any sense to me that a writer could be a terrible communicator. If I'm not communicating in my writing, then what the hell do I think I'm doing? So, there are two possible conclusions that can be drawn from this. Either I'm not really a writer, or I'm really not such a bad communicator after all. For a long time, I've been going with the first conclusion - I haven't written much lately at all (and by "lately", I mean for the past number of years).

But now, I want to rethink that. I'm not so sure I should have given up my writing. I did it because I thought that it led me somewhere dangerous, but really it was probably just leading me to myself. So, why am I still blocking myself from me? Even my blog could be so much better, so much more genuine. I think that if I renew my writing, it might actually make a difference in my life.

I once had a friend who told me that my life was like a book, and I told him that it only seemed that way because he was hearing about it from me. Maybe if I view life from the outside a bit - like a story I'm telling someone else - I'll be able to communicate better, without feeling so threatened. Maybe it'll give me some objective distance.

And then there's my writing. I have to just do it.

Scared

2006-12-02T18:09:00.000-08:00

As it comes ever closer, I realize that I am really scared of childbirth. It's not the first time, obviously, but there are still so many things I could/do worry about.

1. The Pain - I don't remember the pain clearly from last time, only that I was smiling a lot through early labour. I arrived at the hospital at 8cm, though, so that may give some clue as to why. Or something.

2. Hospital Policies - What I do remember is not being able to find a comfortable position and not being allowed to move/sit up/get up, and having to keep a stupid monitor in place that wasn't really doing much of measuring anything due to my constant tossing and turning... This one makes me particularly nervous because I know it added to my discomfort. Why would I do something like that to myself intentionally by going back to the same hospital, you ask? Well, the birth was an overall good experience, and I had an excellent midwife who was part of the hospital staff. If not for her, I would still be trying to push.

3. Not Getting There On Time - We've moved since my daughter was born, and although we live closer to the hospital and now have our own car, what if we can't find someone to take her when it's time to go, and get held up? As I mentioned, I arrived at 8cm - so what if we're held up and don't get there on time. I know it's unlikely, as I was aware of the fact that we were going to need to go to the hospital before labour progressed to such a point and could have theoretically dropped off a child at any time during our two-hour walk before leaving for the hospital. But still, I worry.

4. All The People Who Offered to Watch Daughter are Not Available - Last Shabbat, virtually all our neighbours were away (we live in a new neighbourhood and only have 9 families living here - not all of which are that friendly with us), and we started to worry about what we would do in such a situation. I pointed out that we had friends in the main community, just a 15-minute walk away, who were around, and would have gladly taken her, but how we would get her there was still an issue.

5. It's Too Early - Last night, I had some major cramps and did not feel the baby move much, which made me worry. This concern is not so relevant, though because I am so close to being in the ninth month already, that too early is all in my head, I think.

6. What If Something Goes Wrong? - Every woman worries about this one, and that is why I have elected to give birth in a hospital and not at home where I would probably be more comfortable (see #2 above). There is no way to stop this worrying until after it's all over, except to know that I am making the best choice I can regarding where to give birth, and to pray. I'd better start praying.

7. What If I Need and Emergency C-Section? - I worry, but honestly, so what? I was just worried that then I would always be looking at a c/s, but I recently heard of someone who had a VBAC here in Israel, so hey, it CAN be done. (Incidentally, she also didn't make it to the hospital on time, but was in an ambulance, so better off than in our own car.)

I think that about covers it. To sum up, the fact that I don't remember the pain so much means that it's something that passes and then you can forget. Some women never do, but I did, so I guess it either wasn't so bad, or was very worth it. (?) I feel that at this stage the hospital is still the best place for me to give birth, and though it makes me nervous, it also allays my fears in other areas, so I will try to be as in control as I can while there, to make it as positive an experience as possible. Certain issues (daughter/getting there on time) should be decided on, but my feeling is that since we can't know in advance what the actual situation will be, we also can't plan for this aspect too much. We have a general idea of what we will do, and I think that is enough. Ironing out the "what if's" shouldn't be a big deal. And as to the technical/actual birth-related issues, well, in just over a month, I should be able to look back upon them and say "thank G-d it all went well..." I feel a bit better now, having listed the concerns in an organized way and gone through each. Just for myself. I do feel more in control and that's what matters.

"Last Night I Had the Strangest Dream"

2006-11-15T01:31:00.000-08:00

Last night, I dreamed about words. I dreamed about the best way of saying/writing what I thought. I dreamed of the images invoked by these words. I dreamed that my words were out there, rather than in here... And I woke up so happy.

I know that it's because I spent a ridiculous amount of time reading yesterday, and that the book I was reading is written in a certain sort of way that twists language into something beautiful. But, nonetheless, even though I could not remember any of the words in my dream, nor how they fit together so wonderfully, I still feel like I'm back in the groove a bit.

My writer's unblocking plan hasn't been as successful as I would like - I haven't been taking that half hour every day, only a few times, and it was very forced - but I'm committed to sticking with it and making myself find those beautiful words from my dream, and recording them on paper...

Wrtier's Block Sucks

2006-11-02T00:06:00.000-08:00

The only thing I've ever wanted was to be a writer. Now, I know that means I have to write... but unfortunately, I've been letting writers block get to me for far too long, and everything I write just seems like a piece of garbage. Even this blog.

Elster has so kindly encouraged me (in the comments to his story, "The Below") and given me that infuriating (but necessary and true) advice to just plow through. So, I'm going to try. I have been trying. It all sounds terrible. It's just not my voice anymore. But I will keep going. I will make myself sit down and write for a pre-set period of time each day until I get over this. And then...I'll continue on that schedule. My biggest challenge is to keep all of the things I write even though they sound like crap. My instinct is always to just delete them all and pretend I've never written anything so embarrassing. But no more!

So, here's the plan:

1. Write every day - for at least a half hour. (I might increase this at some point, but we'll see.
2. Keep what I write.

Sounds simple enough, no? I hope it is... I really hope it is.

PS. On the Yahoo site, there was a notice that November is National Novel Writing Month, and the challenge is to write a 50,000 word novel by the end of the month - good luck to all who try it.

Why All the Compliments?

2006-10-24T12:48:00.000-07:00

I noticed something recently that made my head spin. Whenever people compliment my daughter, I always downplay what they say. If they say that she is smart, I say, yeah, she's doing okay. If they say that she is very agile or coordinated, I have to reply that she is slow and careful with how she plays at the park. If someone tells me that she is a pleasure to have around, I just sort of nod stupidly. And if somebody gushes over some cute or funny thing that she does, I feel kind of embarrassed.

When I noticed this, I began to wonder why I react this way, and I came up with the following idea. This is the way I would react if someone said these things about me. If someone said to me, "SS, I really like having you around. Knowing you has enriched my life tremedously", I would wonder why and how. I might say thank you, but I'd be more likely to say, "What?", or "Really, what do you mean?", or some other similar thing. Maybe I would cry. I feel that I can't take credit for my own successes (more on that later), and I really wonder why I should take credit for the miracle that is my daughter.

All of the things that people tell me are true and I never feel like denying what they say ("oh, no, really she's not such a pleasure, just wait 'till you get to know her better") - that would just be ridiculous, and is not how I feel. Of course, I think she's a treasure. But I wonder why people tell me these things. Is it supposed to make me feel more proud of her? Is it meant as a compliment to my parenting skills? Is it just an innocent, passing comment? I suspect that these comments are thrown out at me as some kind of compliment, and that makes me uncomfortable. I feel that most of the amazing things she does do not come from me. But on the other hand, children don't grow in a vacuum. They need to be nurtured. Her good qualities must come from somewhere (not all from my husband), and when she demonstrates them, they must be encouraged, or they will not develop.

I guess I'm just not a performer myself, and I'm not a stage mom either. I don't look for applause and accolades, at least not too much, and the idea of someone putting my daughter at center stage and watching her makes me squirm. I do it myself, but I'm her mother and I get nachas from it. Why should someone else be getting nachas from my daughter? Then again, why not?

Some Answers

2006-09-27T11:56:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago (as you may or may not remember), I posted about how much I dislike housework. Now, I have a few answers for myself - or at least some insight. Here's the story. For two weeks, I was on bedrest (well, I was supposed to be on bedrest, but I was more like on couchrest/trying not to do strenuous stuff and mostly succeeding, though my husband does think I was a bit selective about this). This meant that my husband was left with all of the housework to do. And you know what - the dirty floors started to bother me. I wished that I could wash them. And then the stuff messing up the whole living room started to bother me - I wanted to organize and put it all away. Then the dishes started getting on my nerves; I just wanted to wash them and scrub the counters, and the garbage needed to be taken out to the dumpster... and so on and so on. This taught me that I really do value a clean and orderly home (!) and that I actually want to do the many tasks that lead to said home. I am completely shocked and surprised with myself. Of course, now that I'm back in commission, the floors are dirty again; the dishes are piling up and the garbage needs to go out again. But I still feel better just knowing that somewhere deep inside of me is a person who craves order and cleanliness, and is willing to do what needs to be done in order to get it!

The book Meme - I was Tagged!

2006-09-13T05:31:00.000-07:00

1. Name one book that changed your life: The Bell Jar, by Sylvia Plath. It was the first, and maybe only time that I read a book and saw myself in it.

2. One book you've read more than once: The Chosen by Chaim Potok - I can't count how many times I've read this one, and it also makes me cry every time.

3. One book you'd want on a desert island: 250 Ways to Play Solitaire (but only if I also had a deck of cards).

4. One book that made you laugh: The Outside Chance of Maximillian Glick by Morley Torgov - the opening paragraph where he talks about how he remembers his bris is hysterical.

5. One book that made you cry: I know this is probably a cliche, but the sixth Harry Potter book - the funeral scene makes me cry whenever I read it.

6. One book you wish you'd written: The Sound and the Fury by Faulkner - I love his command of language, especially how he strings words together in the second section.

7. One book you wish had never been written: Portrait of a Lady by Henry James. I literally threw this one across a room 60 pages in.

8. One book you are currently reading: I recently finished The Trail To Tranquility by Lazer Brody (of Lazer Beams).

I've borrowed the rest of these categories from MC Aryeh's post on this meme...

9. One book I would recommend to others: The Solitaire Mystery by Jostein Gaarder - a really great and fast moving story that also makes you think about life and meaning and that stuff.

10. One of the most overrated books I have read: In the Skin of a Lion by Michael Ondaadje - A Canadian classic, but one I found extremely unreadable.

11. One Book I Feel I Should Have Read But Probably Never Will:: Middlemarch by George Eliot - I don't have the patience for anything Victorian these days...

12. One book that expanded my cultural horizons: I can't think of any at the moment. Oh, maybe the Joy Luck Club? Stupid answer, I know.

13. The book I plan to read next: No Idea, whaever I come across, I suppose.

That's it for the book Meme - thanks to Ayala for tagging me and sorry I didn't notice until today.

Thoughts and Reflections

2006-09-11T03:22:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to comment on what was the latest blog entry over at Beth's House when I began this post, but every time I start to comment, I feel like I have too much to say, and that I want to write a whole entry myself on the subject. So, without further ado, here it is.

It may be because something else, something more fundamental is missing in my life, that I don't agree with Beth. On the other hand, it could be just a simple gut reaction that dates back to some other, more angry time in my life. But, the fact is that I don't agree. I wish I did. I wish I saw the beauty in keeping my house clean. It does bother me when it's not, but the spiritual aspect is just not happening for me at the moment.

I've hinted to this before (I mentioned it in passing a while ago), housework bothers me in a basic way. I hate that it's never done. I feel drained by the thought of constantly doing and redoing the same thing over and over again. I appreciate a clean organized space, and maybe if it came naturally for me, I would be better at it. On the other hand, that just sounds like another excuse. I have to do it. I don't have to enjoy it, though that would make doing it a lot easier. I just feel like I don't really get a chance to sit back and enjoy my organized space before it gets disorganized again.

Doing my best is not what interests me at the moment, either. I know that I'm capable of doing it and keeping it done. But I feel like in order to do that, I have to keep it on my mind all the time, and the prospect of that is just terrifying to me. I've made lists, and even kept to them for at least a few days at a time, but it always winds up back at the beginning. Should I just accept that it doesn't come natually for me and work at it until it does? Is that really where I want to be expending my energy at this time? Or should I davka be looking for the spiritual side of it so that I can infuse it with meaning and make it part of what I WANT to be doing?

Then, there's another aspect of what Beth wrote; that is, the idea of growing into oneself. I'm always scared of every new stage of life. Or, at least, I'm not ready when it comes. Why am I trying to slow time? What am I hoping to accomplish by dwelling on the past, and refusing to face the present? Why am I pulling at the reins of my own life? I want to fly, don't I? I want to feel like I'm getting somewhere.

Then I think that maybe these two ideas are connected for me. I've always felt that looking for the spirituality in mundane tasks is possibly something that is supposed to be done, but at the same time, it feels like a little "too much" to me. It feels too "flighty and flowy", as some people would term it, and I'm not one of those people. But maybe the fact that I keep telling myself that is the very thing that's holding me back. Maybe the fact that I keep trying to keep my feet on the ground is what's burying my ambition. Perhaps I need to start flying in order to fly. Maybe this seems obvious to some of you, but it's not at all obvious to me. All this time, I've been thinking that I have to grow in a certain direction, but really I have to be undirected in my growth. H

Failed? So What?

2006-08-28T07:54:00.000-07:00

I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself. I just read a letter a wrote almost 5 years ago - it's stored on our computer - and it's still the same old story. I vowed then that I would change my life and be myself. I vowed to grow into the person inside, and well, I have to say, that being in the mood I was already in, reading this letter did not help me at all. I remember once hearing a lecture by Rabbi Orlofsky during sfirat Ha'omer in which he said that Rabbi Akiva was so great, not because he left home for years to study, and not because when he returned he didn't even come in the door, but turned around on the doorstep and went back to the beit midrash. It wasn't even that he only started learning at the age of 40, and yet amassed a huge following. No, the reason he was so great was because when all his students died he sat down, cried about it, and then he got up, brushed himself off and started again. He went and found five more students and started teaching again. This shiur by Rabbi Orlofsky always stuck with me, and I never knew why. Now I think I'm starting to understand. I've been a failure for 5 years (at least), but it's time to stop feeding into it by letting myself get depressed over it. It's (way past) time to move on. I have to stop looking around at other people and seeing what I'm not, and start looking into myself and seeing what I am. It's hard work, and I'm not really sure I want to do it. Change is a challenge. But there is no choice because I can't continue this way. It's over. And it's not a new me I'm looking for, it's the me I already am, and seem to have lost somewhere along the way. Tonight, I'm going to sit down and work on this some more.

With Thanks to Elie

2006-08-19T14:12:00.000-07:00

At least I have a sort-of meme to keep me busy for one post, until I can finish up those many that are "waiting", or should I say, that we are waiting for?

What would you ask God if:

1. You could ask one "why" question?

Why does pain have to hurt so much?

2. You could ask one question about what will happen in the future?

When will Mashiach come? (I know it's a cliche, but it was the first thing that came to mind...)

3. You could ask advice on one personal issue?

What should be my number one priority in life?

4. You could ask to meet one person from history (at least 100 years ago)?

Moshe Rabbeinu

5. You could ask for one non-miraculous personal wish?

That I could gain more confidence.

6. You could ask to bring back one person who died?

My grandmother - I never met her, but I am named after her and always felt a connection.

7. You could ask for one communal wish?

Peace (another cliche, I know...)

Well, there we have it. More to come later this week, I hope.

Sick

2006-08-01T16:50:00.000-07:00

Here I am, once again blogging at 3am - but this time I have an excuse. I'm sick. I feel like I have strep, and well, I had some antibiotics around that I was supposed to take for something preventative, but couldn't find them a week ago when I was supposed to take them. So, I started the run today, hoping that it will help. I should go to a doctor, but I'm hoping I'll feel better tomorrow. I know I won't if I don't get more sleep, but it's very difficult with this sore throat, and being unable to swallow...or at least, that's my excuse...

Of course, I'm still looking for answers. From myself, from God, from the world. I want to be in a happy place, but I feel like it takes either effort, or "pretending" to get there. So, I search, even when I know that the answers are right there. Even when I know that only I know what needs to be done, yet I refuse to let myself see because I don't want to have to work hard. My husband asked me yesterday what's missing and I gave him a bunch of answers, but he kept asking. He often does this when he feels that I'm not being honest with myself and with him, or when he thinks that I'm just giving the answer he wants to hear.

So, what am I missing? What was the answer that I gave him yesterday? I'm missing "me"; I'm missing the grounding center, and the dreamy spirit. I'm missing the ability to lose control and enjoy it. I'm missing confidence and self (and I don't mean self-confidence). In short, I'm missing all the ingredients of a happy life. So, it would seem to me to be the simple answer that I should go and work on these things - ie learn how to BE those things that are missing. Fill in the gaps and become the Person I want to be. But I'm always plagued by the question of "how". I should, as my husband always suggests, DO something, and then if that doesn't work out, DO something else. Because I certainly won't get anywhere by just thinking all the time.

Last week, I hosted a Rosh Chodesh get-together at my home. That evening, one woman said that a person's tikkun is the thing that they find hardest in the world. This means that whatever I find most difficult is the thing I need to work on most...and then I'm left with the question, does that mean that I'm stuck with the same issue for my whole life? I find that discouraging. I feel that my life is always moving in circles, bringing me back to the same place time after time, and I'm frustrated with the pattern. I want to break it and finally move on, but now I hear that it's going to be like the housework I despise - constantly needing to be done again. (As an aside, I realized a few weeks ago that one reason I don't like to do the housework is because it just needs to be done over and over again. There is no end, and I like to think that things can be DONE - once and for all.) They say that it's really more like a spiral - you do move in circles, but you also move upwards, so you deal with the same issues, but in a different way, or on a different level, whatever that means.

What it boils down to is this: I have to DO something - for myself and my relationships. I have to act in order to change. Change does not come from the heart, from decisions or resolutions. It comes from doing.

Depressed

2006-07-27T16:16:00.000-07:00

I'm going through a really hard time lately. I've been feeling very down, and down on myself, and I just can't seem to get myself moving in a positive way. There are the little things here and there that I accomplish - I made my bed and cooked for Shabbos today - but I'm not doing the things that are supposed to be my priority (finding work). Not only that, I keep promising that I will do those things, and then I don't do them. I'm frustrating everyone with this, and I know it. So why don't I take positive action in the area that I need to? Am I afraid of failure? Am I afraid of success? I'm just so sick of feeling so bad about myself and about everything. I want to have creative ideas again. I feel like screaming. I need some inspiration and some motivation. I need to stop trying to be everyone else and to be me. But I've said that so many times before and I haven't done it, so what's going to change this time? I'm resigned to saying, "nothing." And that scares me. I can't live the rest of my life being this zombie who barely accomplishes anything in a day because I've got no substance to me, because I'm avoiding myself. All I want is the peace of mind to be able to focus. But that's not happening because I need to know that I have a job and money coming in. But that's not happening because I'm so low in the self-esteem department. When I read/hear about people who "turned their lives around", or are "now, a different person, and so happy", either I don't believe it, or I feel like there's no hope for me to feel that way ever. I know I'm wrong. I know it's there inside. I know that if I put my mind to it, I can accomplish anything. But I'm just not feeling it right now, and I'm not behaving like a person; I'm behaving like a zombie. And besides, even when I DO have that peace of mind, I don't use it to focus. I use it for more time wasting... I know that when I finally do it, I'll be so proud of myself and so happy that I'll just RUN with it. But now, well, I'm falling backwards, fast. I want to be rescued, but I know I'm the one who has to rescue myself. There is no rescue; there are no magic answers or quick solutions...

Annoying Houseguests

2006-07-20T12:49:00.000-07:00

Looks like a family member of mine who drives me crazy is coming to visit next month. I haven't seen him in a year and a half, and I kind of like it that way. He isn't coming alone, but he eggs on the others who he is coming with. I'm starting to dread their visit. A lot. You might be wondering what I mean when I say that he "drives me crazy", so I'll explain. He is extremely opinionated and very set in his ways. He has views on everything and thinks that he is frummer than the rest of the world, and he has taught certain other members of my family to think this way, too.

Now, I won't deny that at one point, back in college, I was hearing a similar message from my own rabbi about myself, ie, that I was in the top 2% of Jewish people in our city. But I knew deep down that that wasn't me. I tried to "live up to it" for a little while, but, in the end, I realized the truth and now I just do my thing and try to make sure it's the right thing.

So why is it that this person gets to me? Is it that I'm secretly harbouring some guilt about not being "frum enough"? Or is it that his type of person just seems so "holier than thou", and I don't feel I have the strength to deal with it? Or is it just that I was bullied by him for a few years and I hate having to interact with him? Probably a mixture of the three. So how do I get over it in time for this visit, because I can't just let it happen with me getting more and more stressed out as the visit drags on. It's my home, and I want to feel like I'm in charge. It's my space, so I have to make it as comfortable as possible for my family - meaning me, my husband and my daughter. Other than that, not much else can be done. I have to think positive, and then BE positive...if I can...

New Blog

2006-07-19T21:56:00.000-07:00

I'm not using this as an excuse for an entry, I'm planning one for later today. I just wanted to let y'all know that I started a new blog for creative writing endeavors. It's called Poiesis, and can be found here. Thank you all for your continued support...

SS

A ... Z

2006-07-13T09:33:00.000-07:00

Well, in keeping with my job title and my unusual talent, listed below, here it - finally - is...

Accent: Canadian lite (used to be stronger, but not living there has made a difference.

Booze: Semi-dry white wine, Amaretto and O.J., Kaluha and Coke (haven't had either of those last two mixes in a while, though.)

Chore I Hate: Dusting

Dogs/Cats: Had a dog when I was little, but now I'm not such an animal lover.

Essential Electronics: Computer, Hand Mixer, kettle...

Favorite Perfume/Cologne: None - I hate the stuff.

Gold & Silver: This is a sore subject as my two most precious pieces of jewelry were recently stolen (yes, the wedding and engagement rings).

Hometown: Jerusalem is the only city I know inside out, ie well enough to call it my hometown.

Insomnia: Sometimes...that's how I started the blog!

Job Title: Procrastinator (no, really...)

Kids: One and a third (BS"T).

Living Arrangements: Family home on the outskirts of Jerusalem.

Most Admired Trait: Intelligence, and writing skills.

Number of Sexual Partners: MYOB

Overnight Hospital Stays: Two miscarriages, one birth, and a week's hospital stay after a bad car accident 10 years ago.

Phobias: Anything emotional - my life is about fear, but we're trying to deal with it. I'm really afraid of failure, though; it's probably my biggest fear.

Quotes: "You keep on using that word; I do not think it means what you think it means."

Religion: Jewish.

Siblings: One sister, two step-brothers and four step-sisters.

Time I Usually Wake Up: 7:00, when the sun shines in through our trisim.

Unusual Talent: Finding stuff to do when I really have more important things to do.

Vegetable I Refuse To Eat: Beets.

Worst Habit: Avoiding direct questions.

X-Rays: Neck, arm, wrist, CT scan on kidneys, HSG

Yummy Foods I Make: Everything I make is yummy!

Zodiac Sign: Capricorn.

2006-07-11T21:46:00.000-07:00

No excuses.

My plan is to blog at least once a week. I want to keep this going, and I want to keep up the connection with all of you...if you're still there. It's part of the process of getting my life together. A close friend recently told me that I should stop reading blogs, and I had a bit of a falling out with my husband about the blog. So, I put it on hiatus for a bit...just until I decided what I really wanted to do. And I decided. There are so many great blogs out there, written by so many great people, and I want to be a part of it. I was beginning to be, so I know I can be. I've made my profile private, so you can't link to me from elsewhere, which may lessen the number of people who find their way here. But that's what I need to do right now. I made a big mistake a while ago, and that is how I have to rectify it. Maybe in the future I will decide differently, but for now, that's the plan. Happy reading, and tomorrow, God willing, I will put up the answers to that meme that Elie tagged me for about 4 months ago. It's all part of the plan.

What's on my mind?

2006-06-14T11:25:00.000-07:00

Good question. I've been wondering the same thing. I've been away from blogland for so long that I feel out of place and I'm not so interested in starting up again. No, I'm not going to sign off, as some bloggers do, nor am I going to take a temporary hiatus, because I just did, and that did not seem to help me focus. So what is my plan? Well, I'm not sure. I was a bit freaked out about what my husband said to me about how he thinks that I make it really obvious who I am, and I'm a bit worried about writing really personal things now. I don't think he's right, but what if? So that, and the fact that I'm perpetually exhausted are contributing to my zombie-like state. I need to relax, but I'm not relaxed and I don't know what would relax me... But, that seems to be the same complaint I've had for a while. So, the upshot is that hopefully soon I will know what I want to post and I will actually sit down and do it. But for today, you'll have to be satisfied with this.

To Elie

2006-05-28T04:17:00.000-07:00

A while ago (sorry, I can't find the link), Robert posted on his blog about how you know that a person is really your friend if they know how to stick with you through your troubles. I commented that I would often disappear when friends have hard times because I don't know how to deal with their emotions.

This time, however, that wasn't the case. I wasn't there for you, Elie, through your latest "grief milestones", not because of my inadequacies, but because of stupid technical difficulties. We still don't have internet at home and I rarely have access to it elsewhere. I haven't read any blogs regularly for the past two months, and I've barely updated my own. I'm out of touch with the blogging community. That's why I was so upset when I read a few of your latest posts about finding Aaron's wallet before Pesach, about the unveiling, and of course, the final (?) installment of Aaron's story. I'm so sorry that I've been absent. I want you to know that I admire you so much for your ability to confront what's happened and your emotions, and to deal with it. You and Debbie are so strong and it brings me to tears to think of how you've suffered. I wish you all the best in the future, and many happy years together with your family.

PS, and I haven't forgotten about that meme you tagged me for - I'll get to it eventually.

Stubborn Characters

2006-05-24T21:58:00.000-07:00

I'm writing a story, and I can't seem to get my characters to do what I want them to do. I can't make myself write the story that I had imagined. The protagonists say to me, "do you think we would really be that stupid, really make such idiotic decisions?!?" And I'm forced to wonder how I can write what I want, and still let them do what they want. Maybe it's just not meant to be that kind of story. Maybe I should realize that if I wouldn't behave that way, well, why would they?

....Or maybe I should just put them in their place.

Blog Etiquette.

2006-05-01T21:57:00.000-07:00

I met somebody the other day whose blog I sometimes read... It's a weird situation because if somebody somehow figured out who I was and met me, and said, "gee, I've read your blog...", I might get a bit uncomfortable. It's like saying, "I've heard so much about you!" In fact, that's exactly what it is, and that, my friends, can be really awkward. So, before I even met this woman, I knew of her, and I realized that she was the author of her blog. Then, when I met her, I didn't know if I should say something or not. It's kind of a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation - what if she doesn't want to know that I've read it? What if she would get upset that I didn't tell her that I had? What if she feels, "of all the blogs on all the servers in all the world, she had to walk into mine!"??? (okay, that was a pretty bad adaptation of a quote, but cut me some slack, I'm rushing.) So, for now, I've just not mentioned it. My husband pointed out that she probably doesn't mind people reading it, since people that she knows personally link to her, and she uses both hers and her husband's real name... which is how I realized who she is.

Which brings me to another point. My husband also said that he thinks I'm too up front about who I am. He thinks that it's silly of me to think that nobody realizes who I am, based on the few facts I've thrown out there. What do you all think?

Update

2006-04-06T03:22:00.000-07:00

Well, our move went okay. We're in the house and trying to make some "seder" before the seder - hahaha. No time now, as I'm in my husband's office and he's waiting to leave. I hope I'll be back for real, real soon.

See ya soon (I hope)

2006-03-28T12:41:00.000-08:00

I'm going to be moving this week. My blog will still be here in the same place, but my computer will not be hooked up for a while. I'm not sure when I will be connected to the internet again, so I may not be posting for a while. I will try to put something up tomorrow (I have had a few things knocking around my brain for the past little while, so I may even put up more than one post tomorrow.) We'll see... Moral of the story is: don't expect to see anything in terms of regular ity here after Thursday, perhaps for a while. Sorry for the inconvenience. As they say here in Israel, "itchem haslicha". In the meantime, here's something to keep you busy. If you don't read Seraphic Secret, you should, and here's a link to a recent post of Robert's that I enjoyed. I hope you enjoy it too.

To Sleep, Perchance...

2006-03-25T23:44:00.000-08:00

I always say that our daughter takes after my husband. Not only does she look a lot like him - as everybody always observes - but her personality is also a lot like his. Just like he can't sit still, she is also always on the move. He gets restless after a few minutes in one place, and she, too doesn't like to be held down. I always tell him that, at least in this way, they are alike. So, yesterday, he says to me, "You might think that it's only me who's like that, but you also are restless." Of course I denied it - anyway, it's so obviously not true. I love to sit in my corner for hours on end reading, doing sudoku puzzles, checking blogs, or even just doing nothing at all. How could anyone in their right mind call that "restless"? So he explained, "you can't go to sleep." Now, that is true, and I won't even bother trying to claim otherwise.

So, of course, that got me thinking. Why am I like that? Why don't I like to go to sleep? I used to say that I didn't want to think I was missing something, or that my mind was just too busy to let me rest. But that's not 100% true. The whole truth is that I don't like going to bed because I always feel like there's something else that has to be done. Not in that house-wifey, do the dishes, clean the house sort of way, but on a deeper level. There is always something more to accomplish, and that thought, lodged deep in my subconscious, doesn't let me sleep, doesn't let me want to sleep. It's not like I spend that time actually reaching any goals or anything; usually I'm just wasting time, but I don't want to go to sleep because maybe, just maybe, in another minute, I'll start doing whatever it is that I'm staying up for night after night.

Give and Take... or Take or Give?

2006-03-21T13:01:00.000-08:00

I always feel like I can't do anything for myself... And I feel guilty if I think someone is depending on me for something but it conflicts with what I need/want. For example, the father of the family I babysit for in the mornings asked me today to make sure I come on time tomorrow (I watch their kids at their home) because he has a class with a special speaker first thing in the morning, or something. I responded that I actually wanted to tell him that I would have to come late tomorrow because we have a bris to go to that isn't local. I hoped that the bris would be early (we heard that it might be after vatikin), but I wasn't sure and I would let him know later. This is after I took a week of shorter hours three weeks ago, and come late periodically for other health-related reasons. I feel like I'm taking advantage or something. I'm not really sure how I'm taking advantage of them in this case, but that's how I feel... So, I feel guilty about it. But then I think to myself, "if I wasn't taking this time/opportunity/whatever for myself, then wouldn't I be taken advantage of?" I'm not saying that being dependable necessarily makes someone into a doormat, but being nice often means that people expect you to say yes - all the time. Is that the case - is the world about "take advantage, or be taken advantage of"?

Who Am I?

2006-03-19T06:41:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, we were reading the newspaper, as we usually do on Shabbos. There was an article about this woman who travelled around a lot and then, after a conversation with an old friend, decided to make aliya. She bought a felafel shop in Jerusalem and now spends her days writing, doing art projects and running her felafel shop. This was a true story of a real person. After we finished reading, my husband said, "that woman is your type of person, isn't she?" Well, I didn't want to admit it, though I have had many such friends in my life. I've always felt that they are sort of flighty, and I'd like to think I'm a bit more grounded than that. Then, later, we had another conversation where my husband said that I'm a certain type of person (dreamy or artsy or something like that), to which I replied, "yeah, but I keep that side of myself hidden". And he said, "...even from yourself." This got me thinking, especially in light of a discussion over at MC Aryeh's place about dreams and ambitions. I'm not sure what I want for myself. What do I want in life? Who do I want to be? Who can I be?

A friend of mine told me a while ago that after 8 years of marriage, she is finally
able to come to terms with the fact that she is not made to be June Cleaver. She is a musician, and that's all there is to it. Being a housewife will never satisfy her because that is not who she is, and she won't be able to do it well, either. Well, maybe I would do well to make a similar observation about myself. I'm no musician, but I am a writer. And I would not say that housework will never satisfy me. If it's the only thing there is, then yes, no joy there, but if I am fulfilled in other parts of my life, well, then I can enjoy the housework, too. I'm also interested in going back to school at some point in the future...maybe even soon. I know it can't be too soon, because we can't afford it right now, but once we pay off our newest debts, I want to start saving up for grad school. I've wanted to get a PhD for as long as I can remember and academia has always held an interest for me. So, that's a possible long term plan....

And for now, well, for now, I want to ... that's harder to say. What do I want for right now, in my life?

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

...It's now about a week later, and I want to state that I've come to a realization about myself. I'm at my best when I'm believing in someone else. So maybe I should go into a helping profession. I've always been able to encourage others and believe in them, even against all odds. There was the son of our family friends who had gone off the derech somewhat, and then went to yeshiva in Israel. He ended up staying for two years and turning his life around, and it was partly due to my encouragement... Then there's one of the guys here in our yeshiva this year - I keep encouraging him to go to minyan and to get involved in things, and I think it's making a difference. Why can't I encourage myself that way? Why is it so much easier to believe in others than it is to believe in myself?

Crisis...Non-Existent

2006-03-12T06:56:00.000-08:00

Just to let you all know - especially you, Elie - my husband decided to check out my blog last Thursday. This was not a disaster, as we all thought it might turn out to be. I think that the fact that this brought me closer to him, and made me realize how important he is to me really made a difference. He even guessed who the guy is, and called him my "boyfriend" a couple of times. It took me a while, but I finally got up the nerve to ask how he knew who it was and he just said, "I know". Kidding aside, though, this has made me understand how important good communication is. I was actually going to tell him on Thursday morning to read it, so I was surprised that he knew, but not upset that he had read it. He really is a good man and a wonderful husband. Now, if only I could do something to deserve him...

A Bit Over the Top

2006-03-07T14:52:00.000-08:00

This might also come across as a little more than I ever wanted to say here, but there are a few good lessons that can come out of it that I wanted to share with my readers and myself...

That said, here goes *long exhale*...I've been having this recurring fantasy about someone to whom I recently realized that I am attracted. I won't go into all the details of my crazy imagination, but I will tell you that I recently wrote it out for myself, and there were a few tidbits that made me think and made me realize a lot more than I ever knew about myself.

Firstly, the fantasy involves a lot of kissing and cuddling during which clothing is systematically removed. After going through what I had written, I realized that I was half naked, but was still wearing my head covering. I find this really fascinating for a couple of reasons. One is that recently, I wasn't so sure that I was all that into covering my hair and was wondering about contemplating stopping, and here I am with a tznius fantasy! Not only that, but the fact that I was "undressing" and didn't even realize that I had not taken off my hat makes me realize that I view it as a part of me - a part that doesn't come away so easily.

Second, before I wrote it up, I realized that it would not go all the way - I just couldn't even imagine really fully cheating on my husband, but I originally was thinking that what stopped the couple would be the baby waking up from a nap and crying in the other room. But when I was writing, I came to the realization that I would not be able to let it go any farther once the principal actors in the fantasy realize that the hat is still in place. I couldn't have them realize and remove the hat and continue, so as the guy reaches over to take off the hair covering, the woman (I) stop(s) the whole thing from going any farther. I find this doubly amazing because it means that the very symbol of my marriage is what stops me from even fantasizing about someone else, and that's the way I want it to be. Nothing but that is what stops me - what makes me realize who I am and what my responsibilities are and to whom. The crying baby would also be a symbol of responsibility and of the marriage, I suppose, but not in the same way as the hat. The baby can be separated from the father in consciousness, but the hat is there only because of the existence of the husband. Interesting, no?

Lastly, the guy is someone who is a certain physical "type" - one that I have always been attracted to. I had thought that my sex drive was onthe decline, but I now realize that I was just hibernating. I'm not saying that I'm only attracted to that "type" or that my husband is unattractive to me. Maybe I just needed a jump start or something... There are other things that attract me to this person, and writing it all down helped me understand what they are, but those are qualities that he also shares with my husband, for the most part.

Oh, and one more thing - after writing it all up, I sort of felt disgusting - like maybe I had used him or something. I'm not sure if that makes sense or if anyone would ever say it makes sense, but it is how I felt - sort of cheap. It's not a great feeling and I'm not really sure where it comes from; I mean is it justified and I should never have thought these things about a real person (besides my husband)? Or is it completely misplaced guilt, leftover from some hangup I had in my past? I'm sure there are differing opinions and I'd love to hear them...

I'm back

2006-03-05T13:55:00.000-08:00

Sorry about the long hiatus - I also told MC that I would be posting something in the next two days, and that was 2 weeks ago! We ended up taking a vacation and then some work piled up, so I haven't been able to take the time for a real entry. The other problem is that I have something to write about that I'm not sure I want to post. I've been writing a story, but I'm not sure I want to share it. So, this is just an apology post. More to come, soon, including the post I promised to MC!

Have a good week.

A Reopened Discussion

2006-02-09T06:48:00.000-08:00

Are you aware that the urge, the drive - to do ANYTHING is in a major way sexually related? People with a low sex drive have very little desire to accomplish anything in life.

Furthermore, the dominant force behind working - is the reward one will attain. Sex ranks pretty high on the list of rewards. As a matter of fact - all I can think of is Sex, Power & Money. By removing sex I don't think we'll have a more productive world... quite the contrary.

This was a comment left by someone at David's blog last month. This is the original post and all the comments. I only found his blog the other day and was perusing the archives when I came across it and thought that maybe I wanted to talk about it a bit, but well, his discussion was a month old! So, I'm bringing it up here.

Firstly, I don't think that "the urge... to do anything is... sexually related". I think that desires and will and all that are all tied up because they come from the same place. I want/don't want ice-cream, approval, recognition, money, sex...they all go together. When a person doesn't feel like s/he wants anything or doesn't know what it is that s/he wants, that's a total experience. If one is not interested in anything because s/he is depressed or numb, well, s/he is also not interested in sex. It is part of the package. So, yes, "[p]eople with a low sex drive have very little desire to accomplish anything in life", but it's not because they have a low sex drive, it's because they have a low DRIVE - altogether.

I also want to say that Power, Money and Sex are not the only reasons to work. Sometimes, people enjoy their work and do it for the fulfillment of it. And also, when they are fulfilled, people enjoy everything more - the power, sex and money. I agree that sex is important, and probably even a motivational factor for many/most people (everybody?), but fulfillment is something that I think everyone is looking for. (Sex also brings fulfillment, so maybe that's also part of the equation?)

Anyway, I just wanted to open up this discussion. I'm not sure where it will lead, but I hope it's not too far outside the boundaries of tznius...

Random Depressed Thoughts

2006-02-07T06:00:00.000-08:00

I spoke to a good friend of mine, who I've known since grade four the other day. She always understands me so much more than anyone else could. Not only have we been very close for a long time, but we also have similar personalities. Anyway, she was going through a hard time recently, kind of like the hard time I'm going through now. She's been doing a really big creative project, which has become her outlet for this negativity and has helped her get through it. (If you're reading this, J, and you know who you are, well, DO tell me that you know who I am.) She reiterated something that both I and my husband have been saying for a while - this bad feeling comes from being distant from myself, and I need to get back in touch with me. But, I don't know how! What an excuse, eh? I don't have the energy for a creative project. I've been shrinking my world more and more, and it's still too much for me. It's not the baby, and it's not my job. It's me. I feel like there is a whole world out there, but I'm still stuck in the maze. Maybe I should start meditating. And I've got to get myself in hand. I feel that I'm slipping, and it would be so easy to get to the stage where I just lie in bed all day. Thank G-d, I've never been there, but it has been bad at times. I have to start seeing the positive. Reframing, as they say. (See Wessel's latest post for an excellent example.) And finally figuring out what I want. I've never been good at that. My friend said that the most important thing was that she realized who she really is, and stopped trying to be the paradigm of every other role she thought she was supposed to fill. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I'm not sure I'm ready to admit that I'm not "normal". But there's no time like the present. And I know that if I don't do anything about this, it's only going to get worse, and I don't want to see what worse looks like, now do I?

How Infertile am I?

2006-02-05T06:35:00.000-08:00

The nurse who does the blood tests at my kupat cholim is pregnant. Now, normally this would not affect me one way or the other, but, well, today, and it being her, well it does make me a bit jealous. She has a daughter who was born in the same week as my daughter and is now due in about two months. I started trying for my second at around the time she got pregnant - if not even before!

So, what's the big deal? What's the difference? Why do I always feel like this is a race? I did get married later than many of my friends, so why would I even think that I should or could "compete"? And besides, didn't I recently say that my daughter is such a blessing that I would be content if it all ended here? So what's my problem? Well, it's the whole trying bit. I resent that some people (seem to) have it so easy.

But, really, how infertile am I, anyway? Don't I also have it relatively easy? On the infertility scale, I probably rate about a 2, maybe a 2.5, if I wanted to stretch it a bit. I'm definitely not one of the super-fertiles, you know the type - "oops, I just got pregnant, hee, hee, and I was on birth-control!" I don't deny that that situation has its difficulties, too, but it makes the world seem even more unjust to an infertile woman (such as myself?). I'm also not one of those that is able to conceive naturally by just giving it a couple more months, or charting to make sure I don't miss ovulation (some people actually ovulate naturally?). But I've also never even gotten to the stage of IUI, never mind IVF, or *gasp* considering donors or adoption! I once had a cyst aspirated, which, they say, feels like egg retrieval, and I've had two hysteroscopies. But, that's it, in terms of invasive procedures. Just toss a couple of Clomid pills at me, give me an Hcg shot, at BAM! (Well, not every time, but that did work twice.) So how infertile does that make me? Or, maybe my question should be, what defines in/fertility?

Well, not ovulating, which I don't, is definitely an obstacle to fertility. But, I do already have a 15-month-old child and I've been married just short of 4 years. That's not too bad, is it? But she came after two miscarriages. I never understand if miscarriages are a sign of infertility or not - after all, one has to get pregnant in order to miscarry, but still, nothing comes of it, so it's not much of a sucess, is it? In any case, that comes to a tally of three (!) pregnancies in two years. Not too shabby. That fact resulted in my mother's rather ignorant comment that "it seems that getting pregnant was not the issue, but rather staying that way seems to be your problem". Then again, I've never really confided in her about our difficulties, and I've never felt comfortable telling her personal details about myself at all, so who can blame her for thinking that, in light of the facts as they stand?

I'm sure that most women don't play the "I'm more infertile than you!" game, except in their minds, but I wonder if they think, "who is she to call herself infertile - with a baby and a method of conception that has been proven to work for her?" Or is it just me who thinks that way about myself? If I had to answer my own question, I guess I would say that infertility is about needing interventions - whatever they may be - to conceive. Well, I definitely fall into that category. So, I'm a *bit* infertile. About a 2.5. Thanks for admitting me to the club.

Hands-off, or Hands-on?

2006-01-31T05:29:00.000-08:00

Tara wrote this post that really made me think... Especially since I had a talk with a friend of mine last night that made me feel guilty. This isn't really anything new, it's just probably the first time I've actually noticed it. She said that she feels bad when she washes the lunch dishes because she feels like she should be playing with her kids instead.

Well, I sometimes feel overwhelmed by my daughter. And put together with the other kids I babysit, well, I often feel like I need a break! Maybe I'm not cut out for this stay-at-home thing. Maybe I should not be babysitting. Maybe I'm not patient and caring enough. I mean, careless things always happen. I once didn't notice that one of the girls had crawled over to me and was right behind me, so when I turned around, I stepped on her hand. And things like this are always happening. Today, I was trying to prevent the same child from taking things out of a drawer and I accidentally closed the drawer on her hand! I keep thinking that if I was more patient, these things wouldn't happen. If I was actually paying the attention that I should be, she wouldn't have opened the drawer in the first place. Both of the other girls (not my daughter) used to fall over a lot, because they were not steady when they first started pulling up. If I had been paying more attention, perhaps they would not have fallen over. Or, if you want to say that it's important for them to learn, and not to be picked up or put back down every time they stand up, well then maybe I should have been standing behind them to catch them if they did stand and fall.

And then there's the situation with my daughter. I love her very much, but I'm not sure I'm doing such a good job with this mothering thing. I'm very laid back, which I think is a really important quality in a parent. But maybe I'm too laid back. I give her space to explore and learn, but maybe I should be guiding her just a bit more. I know she's only 15 months old, and there isn't so much guiding that can be done, but, well, I feel like I'm too hands off. And maybe I'm wrong. There probably is tons that I could be doing to guide her, if I would only take the time to do it. I feel like I should be playing on the floor with her, but I don't have the energy or desire. That seems like a bad thing to me. I think that I need to snap out of this rut, and start being who she needs me to be.

But maybe I'm being too hard on myself?

Music Musings

2006-01-26T13:05:00.000-08:00

Music brings me back to my past - back to the place I was, physically, mentally and spiritually when that song became meaningful to me. When I listen to "Nothing Else Matters" and close my eyes, I'm back in my final year of high school at Model U.N. When I listen to my CD, "In the Midst of Angels", it's Christmas time in my last year of university and I'm doing readings for my History Independent Study in my father's living room, as snow gently falls outside and my stepsisters play Nintendo. When I hear, well, anything from Pearl Jam's "Ten" , it brings me back to that dark period in grade 11 when I thought I was going to kill myself.

It can also get more complex than that. Songs can have layers of significance that build up over time - like an archaeologist's tel - a mountain made of a lifetime's worth of meaning. "Just the Way You Are" by Billy Joel reminds me of grade seven, when my best friends bought me his greatest hits for my birthday, but also of the period when my husband and I were engaged - it's now one of "our songs".

It's also related to genre. Different types of music make me think of and feel different things. Classical music gives me a "university feeling". "Chick music", like Sarah McLaughlan or Anna Nalick, makes me want to be a singer. Bon Jovi (the slow stuff) makes me want to write songs/poetry. Carlebach makes me dance, and '90s "alternative grunge scene" makes me feel rebellious and defiant.

I guess this means that I can really tap into my subconscious, through music. I can manipulate myself if I want by putting myself into different "moods". I can engineer my own success or failure, by merely pulling the right strings. If I should be cooking or cleaning, well, I'll listen to Jazz. And if I feel I need some time to myself, I can listen to nature sounds. Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll turn on some Bon Jovi.

A Good Place

2006-01-26T12:54:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been enjoying my daughter so much that I've been thinking that it would (also) be okay if she was it - if there were no more. I know that my husband - like most men - wants a lot of kids, and so do I, but this is kind of a liberating feeling. It's just very nice to have a content feeling, a feeling of, "this could be enough." Especially since because of infertility and other health issues, I know I may be limited.

My sister-in-law is happy with the three kids she has and isn't sure if she wants any more. In fact, she is pretty sure that right now she doesn't. She has her considerations - high day school tuition for 3 kids all born within 4 years; she recently lost a lot of weight and doesn't want to push herself back to sqare one. And she's totally fine with the idea of not adding any more to her family. She's also nearing that magic portal - age 35 - through which no woman feels completely safe having children (she certainly feels this way). Who know when I'll reach the end of my childbearing years, especially since it tends toward the early side in my family. If I were to stop by age 35, well, I may only end up with 3 or 4, at most! I intend to use all the time I have continuing to try. And each month it doesn't happen is still a disappointment. But if it doesn't work out, well, I know that my daughter will be enough. Not because she has to be or because I wish she would be, but because she already is.

I Had a Dream

2006-01-19T06:21:00.000-08:00

I had a really weird dream last night, but I woke up so refreshed. I haven't woken up so, well, awake in a really long time. In any case, my dream was this: I was getting into a taxi and talking to Ben Avuyah about continuing to practice Orthodoxy in the face of internal atheism/doubts. He looked a lot like one of the dorm counselors in the yeshiva where my husband works (we've known this guy for years, since he was in yeshiva and he's now back as a madrich), and he followed me into the taxi. As the cab pulled away from the curb, we continued to talk, and I felt like it was a discussion that had been going on for a long time between the two of us. In the end, as the cab carried us away through the night, we agreed that it was easier to remain "frum" than to upset our whole lives. And the more complicated life got, and the more people that were involved, the more difficult it would get. Being married; having children; owning a home in a specific neighbourhood; belonging to a circle of friends - these all are factors that make it harder and harder to break away, even though remaining is perhaps not really "the truth."

Well, it was certainly a strange dream, but more in line with the kind of dreams I used to have... It's obvious that finding Ben Avuyah's blog yesterday brought me back to a time in my life when I was more true to myself, and more honest about how uncertain I was. The fact that he looked like the dorm counselor, is probably because I read this post and because the particular dorm counselor who appeared in my dream is most likely to behave in the same way - though he is not as extreme and does respect library property. He also respects rules - a lot. The taxi was because we took a taxi last night.

I'm tempted to say that I found the dream disturbing. But that's not true. I woke up feeling refreshed. Maybe the answer is that, as crazy as it may seem, I need to be me. I need the doubts. I need the uncertainty. Even though it all makes life difficult and makes me feel like an outsider, at least I am at home in my own mind. At least I AM me.

Just like Me

2006-01-12T05:24:00.000-08:00

I've spent a lot of my life looking out the window. It could just be a love of nature, a desire to know if the sun is shining, or a curiosity about what is going on outside - all of which could actually be the case with me. But I know the truth. It's because I can't stop wishing I was someone else. I look out the window as if I am looking out of my reality and into some unknown, but better existence. It's not anything specific. Yes, I do wish that I had more money; it would have been nice to successfully nurse my daughter, and for longer; I would like to be able to get pregnant without intervention... There are other things that I am unhappy about in my life, but none of them are what causes me to wish I wasn't me. It's somethimg more basic than that. It's just my "isness", as a Rabbi I know used to say. I feel two dimensional. I want to BE more.

It reminds me of this poem I wrote in high school:

I look out the window
Into the world
That imperfect world
And I feel like I'm looking
Into my heart
I close the shutters
And walk away.

(That's at least how I remember it, since I may have packed the journal where I wrote them all down.) I know there's something more IN THERE, but I keep ignoring it, and it's coming back to get me in so many ways. I need to be happy. I need to get happy.

Incidentally, I read a great, and somewhat related ma'amar in Sichos Mussar today. It's the first one in the sefer, actually on this week's parsha. He says, in a nutshell, that a student needs to have an eagerness for what he's learning. He has to WANT it - and to view it as new and exciting. In other words, a person can only be happy when he is seeking. Once he feels accomplished, he starts to get antsy. It's all "old". It's all been "done before". This is so true. The problem is that seeking is not enough. A person can't just be an aimless wonder. He has to be seeking in a specific direction, or else he is just lost. Lost, like me.

Nobody ever tags me, but I wanted to do this one.

2006-01-11T05:25:00.000-08:00

Four jobs I've had in my life: Waitress, Teacher, Dental Assistant, Pencil Pusher.

Four movies I could watch over and over: Say Anything, Back to the Future, Casablanca, Scent of a Woman

Four places I've lived: Saskatchewan, Toronto, Jerusalem, Where I live now

Four TV Shows I love to watch – Charmed, My So-Called Life, Family Ties, West Wing

Four places I've visited – London, Paris, Amsterdam, New York City

Four websites I visit pretty often – Mirty, For Better or for Worse, Elie, Israel Weather

Four of my favorite foods – Pizza, Chicken soup, Chocolate, Cake

Four places I'd rather be – In a good headspace, In the summer, In the money, In Denial (these are jokes, of course; really I'd just like to be somewhere warm)

Four books I'll read over and over again – A Prayer for Owen Meany, the Pesach Haggada, The Solitaire Mystery, Jitterbug Perfume

Four things I'm fairly good at doing – Writing, Mothering, Organizing, Cooking

Four things that I could improve on – Concept of time, Procrastinating, Neatness, Being Me

What's In the Mirror?

2006-01-03T15:02:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm wasting my life away. I AM actually wasting my life away. I quit my job to be at home with my daughter, and I'm much happier than I was with the stress of my job, but I'm also not actually doing anything right now. I mean, I always wanted to be at home so that I could have more time to myself, more time for myself. But now I find myself playing stupid games on the computer for hours every day. I justify myself because I have a cold and I'm tired and my husband has been telling me every day that I should get some rest. So I don't actually sleep, but I do relax. I know it's not true, though. I know it's all a farce. I'm really avoiding taking the time for myself to figure my life out. Why? I'm afraid of the upheaval that facing myself and finding the answers will bring. It's difficult. I'm afraid of the truth. I don't need therapy; I never did. What I need is the moral fiber to be honest with myself. I'm worried that everything will change? It will. It'll be better. I have to believe it will be better, or I'll never even start. And that would be the real failure.

Lost Post

2006-01-02T07:42:00.000-08:00

I had written a whole post on my other blog - yes, I have another blog - and it didn't post. How annoying. I hate when that happens. Usually I copy the text before posting, but this time, I didn't. How upsetting... It totally kills the desire to write more. I guess at some point, I'll rewrite the thing and post it, but I'm so annoyed about this...

Trying to Find Meaning

2005-12-19T05:14:00.000-08:00

Some people feel that their purpose in life is to (re)populate the world. Others want to build families or communities. Some people try to bring laughter to others. For some, survival is enough of a goal in a world that continues to reject them. None of these are me. No, all a part of my mission, but none are what I feel makes me unique. Is there such a thing, or am I chasing something that does not exist? Is there a unique goal for me, or is it the balance or combination of elements that makes my path unique?

The one thing I am certain of is that my purpose is unique. Further than that is just detail. I thought that what I was supposed to do was to remain in academia and be a kiddush Hashem. The problem was that I was becoming enamoured of the academic life in and of itself. But was that really a problem? Or was it possibly necessary to be "of that world" in order to affect it? And if so, maybe I was just not ready for the task at hand. I respected Dr. Taylor's academics/intellect so much that I felt it would cheapen our relationship to start focusing on his emotional or spiritual life. And it wouldn't have been an intrusion, either, because he was always trying to tell me his story; it was me who refused to hear it. But then that was the compartmentalization that I was so afraid of. The one thing I was certain of all along was that it was important to remain true to myself. And that meant having a unified approach - G-d had to be a part of history. Or at least of Jewish History. If Providence brought people together, why was I reluctant to find and understanding of why? If G-d brought me to Dr. Taylor - as he once said, it wasn't necessarily for the reasons he thought. But it also wasn't necessarily for the reasons that Rabbi F. thought either. Maybe G-d wanted me to run away from University as fast as possible and Dr. Taylor, in effect, chased me out the door.

Why do I always come back to this when I try to understand myself and my purpose? Was I halted or stunted at that stage in such a way that I have to keep coming back and trying to fix it so that I can develop properly? Was I SO confused then that I have to figure it out so that I can understand myself - so that I can find the still small voice that is the real me inside? Is that necessary for my continued growth and development? Do I need to seclude myself in order to do that? My instinct would be yes - that I can't hear the small voice if there is a whole cacophony of other messages drowing it out. But maybe I have to face the conflictiong messages and learn who I am by answering their challenges truthfully. That method will also ensure that I can standup to others and be true to myself and my ambitions in the face of opposition. It is the real way to forge a character. But I'm not sure I can. Wasn't this "sabbatical" about removing myself for the sake of growth? Maybe I should take that as the first step and then I'll test my findings against other ideas. Or something. It's sort of like what Stefani, an internet acquaintance, suggested. Keep a journal; record my emotions/difficulties; look inside and answer the questions that would come... I'm not sure I have the patience for it now.

This has sort-of strayed off topic, but I also see it as a pre-action statement of purpose/methodology. I have to free myself of all preconceived notions and then move forward. And why not?

My Little Miracle

2005-11-03T12:44:00.000-08:00

My one-year-old daughter is the biggest miracle I have ever seen. She fell off my bed once, and didn't even get a scratch... She jumped out of her crib once, and didn't get one bruise or anything. And today, something that I think I've been dreading happened. I was walking down some stairs on the way to my husband's office with her. I had the stroller tilted up and balanced on the back wheels to bump her down the stairs. Anyway, at the landings I always put the front wheels down and go down the last step front first. So, at one of the landings I did that, and the stroller got caught on some uneven ground, causing me to lose my balance completely and fall forward with the stroller. I don't even know if she bumped her head or not because I just lifted up the stroller and she was still in it - tied into her seatbelt. Thank G-d, she was buckled in, or her whole face could have been scratched up... or she could have fared even worse, G-d forbid. She started screaming and wouldn't even take her bottle when I offered it - which usually calms her down, but once we got into my husband's office (this happened basically right outside of the office), she saw him and became her usual cheerful self again. I didn't even notice until much later that I had some aches and pains from this. I just cried and cried - I'm so nervous about dropping her, or her falling or things like that, and it happened. It could have been much much worse - and I'm not going to enumerate how, but it just could have been... It's such a miracle that she's made it until now with such a mother... She'hecheyanu V'kiyimanu V'higiyanu Lazman HaZeh...

Generational Yom Kippur

2005-10-15T23:44:00.000-07:00

Thanks to those who took an interest in me and welcomed me to the J-blogging world. I'm not sure where to begin right now, seeing as how I'm so uninspired, so I'll just tell you a bit about my Yom Kippur. We went to an old-age-home to help make the minyan and stuff. Also, my husband pointed out that it would probably be better for me since the davening wouldn't take as long, and we would be staying in a room there, which is much closer than our house to shul. This way, I would be able to stay in or near shul while still taking care of the baby. So, that's what we did, and it turned out to be a big success. The only bad part was that I think the veggies I brought for the baby went bad, and I fed them to her anyway. But that's no biggie. So all in all it was a big success. I got in 5 (!!!!!!) Shmone Esrei's, which was a lot more than I expected for this Yom Kippur, being my first as a mom. I'm not able to concentrate very well, or to feel "connected", but hey, I take whatever small successes I can get. And I was happy that we brough the baby to the home. She's so friendly, and all the elderly people just loved her - they all sat in a row waving and waiting for her to wave back. They also loved seeing how she is learning to walk, and walks quite well if I hold her hands. It was a good experience for all of us, and I'm happy we went.

First Post

2005-10-10T19:39:00.000-07:00

Hi there, everyone ... or no one. This is my first post, and I will probably remove it and post something else when I have something more meaningful to say. There are all those cool Jewish bloggers out there, and I wouldn't mind being in the loop, so hey there, let me in!