Sunday, February 17, 2008


I feel like people have more time than I do. But maybe that's just because they are better at managing and not wasting their time? Or maybe it's because I'm such a slow mover? At any rate, I've been thinking a lot about negativity - my negativity. I'm not going to ask all of those "why" questions that I usually ask, because I realize that they really have no answers and that the asking is not productive at all, and only propels me further into negativity... And I'm not going to ask any "how" questions because I've been doing that for years, and I haven't come up with any satisfactory answers. So, what are the right questions to ask? Is that a good question? This train of thought feels just as unproductive. It feels like asking the same questions in a different way. And then I realize that my problem isn't in the asking of questions - even the "why" or "how" questions. What causes problems for me is the fact that I don't allow the questions to fester. I am impatient. I want to have all the answers already. I don't really accept or ask the questions, in and of themselves. When I ask myself questions that should help me grow/help me find my path, I don't allow myself to appreciate each question, to turn it over and over, examining possible answers, and TRYING different methods/options. No, I ask a question, and then expect myself to have an immediate answer, and to have implemented the answer. So, no wonder I'm impatient with myself. No wonder I never cut myself any slack. No wonder I can't seem to make any changes in my life...

So, I know what I need to do. It's a process, I guess (I've always hated that word), and I don't have any choice, if I want to get anywhere. I guess that deep down, even though I walk the walk and talk the talk, I don't think I need to get anywhere else in life, other than where I am. I've thought that I'm okay as I am - indeed, that I'm doing a good job and am able to cope. But in truth, I'm a mess, my home is a mess, my relationships are a mess, and I'm just getting worse. Life, as they say, is a "down escalator." There are no breaks, no free rides. I'm on my own. Even all the support I could get or want from my spouse, friends, children, etc, couldn't make me become anything, if I'm not doing the work. Yes, this is something that I've known, something I've been told. As the Mesilat Yesharim says in his introduction, "I don't come to tell you anything new, but to remind of that which you already know." And I'm doing that for myself, now.

If I feel that I'm not getting enough time and space for myself, it's up to me to find time. If I feel that I'm bogged down by endless housework, it's up to me to figure out a system in which it all gets done. If I feel alone, it's up to me to connect to people. And so on, and so on...

It's up to me to be positive, and to connect. I can't wait for someone else to take my hand and show me love, I have to take his hand, and give the love that I feel is missing. And then it'll be present. It doesn't matter who is giving and who is receiving - everyone benefits from a positive environment. So creating that environment is a gift to myself as much as it is a gift to the rest of my family. What comes out of this? A resolution? No, a decision to be conscious in my interactions. To create the atmosphere I want to live in, one day at a time, one action at a time. To give, and not to expect too much.

Now, I know that many out there, especially Beth, would say that this attitude is one that will only bring me burnout in the future. But, I disagree. I'm not saying that I should give to others and not to myself. I am saying that I should give. I've only been taking, and now it's time to give.


Post a Comment

<< Home