Ruach MeMalelah

Why I'm Up in the Middle of the Night

I feel angry and disappointed. I don't want to forgive and I don't believe in forgetting. I heard the apology, but it's just not enough. I'm tired of not having the space to change things. I know I'm not the only one who wants it to be different. I know that I sometimes see only one side of the story and I may therefore seem negative. But... But I want things to go my way for once. I want to feel something other than anger. And this time it was so much worse, because I tried. I tried not to disappoint. I tried to open myself up to the pain and pleasure. I tried to join in - something that has always been a bit of an issue for me. I didn't reserve judgment or hold out. I tried to be engaged fully. And all I got for it was anger and disappointment. I acknowledged my wishes and asked for what I wanted, and then it didn't happen. I know objectively that I do the same thing sometimes, that life often goes the exact opposite way. But I don't really see how that should make me feel any better. If anything, it would make me feel worse, because now I understand what I've been doing. But it doesn't make me want to change. It makes me want to be even more selfish. It makes me want for myself what I can't give to others. It makes me greedy and grasping, and ugly. It makes me say, "Why can't things go my way for once?" It makes me feel powerless, and unable to sleep. It makes me bitter and unresponsive. It saps me of any love I may feel. It makes it so much harder to become the person I want to become with the life I want to have and the relationships I want. It makes it hard to love my family, and even harder to be giving and loving. It fills me with more anger, instead of helping me rid myself of the poison of it. It makes me feel so out of control. And what I need to do, what I've been wanting and needing to do is to take control. But the bitterness and disappointment make me feel that I can't take control, that if I do, it will all just backfire in the end, that I'll never get what I want and then I'll just be bitter forever. So, all I can do is control the small piece of the world that is me. All I can do is try to master myself. All I can do is increase the love, and hope that one day it will finally outweigh the anger.

posted by SS @ 12:34 AM