Thursday, March 27, 2008

Can't Rush the Process

Tonight, I took a long, hard look at myself and I realized that it's true. I don't want to be responsible. I just want to be taken care of. Now, I don't mind taking care of my kids, for the most part, but when it comes to my husband, I just don't want to be the responsible one. And that stinks. Because I'd be a great wife, and a great mom, if I'd let myself. If I'd get over whatever it is that's holding me back.

Also, another thing I realized tonight. My husband mentioned one of our neighbors, saying, "Isn't it great that they have a normal relationship - that he's taking the night off of learning with me because his wife WANTS to spend time with him?" To which I responded, "Just yesterday, I told you that I was upset when I thought we wouldn't get to eat dinner together." His response? "You never want to spend time with me, so what does that even mean?" Inside, I broke at that comment. You know why? Because it means that he wants me to change six years all at once. It's not just me who feels that way. It means that he wishes there was something I could do that would erase the pain of the past six years of our marriage. Well, so do I, honey, so do I. But it's not that simple. I know, "yesh koneh olamo b'sha'a achat" - one can earn his place in the next world in one hour (or one turn around). But in reality, it's a process. I'm not good at following through with these things, but I know I can do it. I'm not willing to let this all continue this way. There is just too much pain.

PS I know I'm contradicting this post, but maybe that's a good thing?


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