Ruach MeMalelah

Ten Minutes

I read a blog somewhat recently who suggested writing for ten minutes - just starting to write, and ten minutes later, see what's there. So, this is my attempt...

I am disappointed. I'm disappointed with myself and my life and all the challenges I don't take and all the demons I don't face. I want more. I've always wanted more, and even worse, I've always believed that I'm destined for more. But more than what? It's not that I think being a wife and mother isn't enough for me. It's not that I think those things can't fulfill me. It's not that I don't want to be a wife or a mother, or whatever else I am. I want to be MORE wife, MORE mother, MORE me. But, I've also spent a good deal of time cutting myself off from myself - becoming, as Steve would say, a talking head. I really miss Steve. As much as my work in that class was somewhat contrived, I still gained so much from it - I let myself go and let myself get into it much more that I expected. Anyway, I digress. I was saying that I want to be more, but I'm not even sure who I really am anymore. This applies to all aspects of my life, too - physical, mental, intellectual, spiritual, emotional, religious, mystical, sexual, etc, etc, etc. (You know, I always say it that way, but who says I ever was sure who I was? But again, I digress.) I always wished that the mental or spiritual issues could be extracted and dealt with in a physical way, like untying knots, which I happen to be very good at. I suppose it stands to reason that if I'm good at untying physical knots, I should be good at untying the emotional, sexual, etc ones as well. But perhaps not. Maybe I'm just good with my hands. Really, I know what my problem is. I don't like to try things. I like to know that I know what I'm doing, and then do it. This is why I've been stagnant for the past number of years - I'm trying to figure it out before trying to do it, and life just doesn't seem to work that way after all. The story goes that when I started walking, I didn't let anyone know I was trying until one day, my mother told me that I couldn't go somewhere unless I could walk there myself, and I stood up on my feet and walked across the room. I was twenty months old. Hard to believe, seeing as that's older than my middle daughter, and she's already trying to learn how to jump. But that's not the point. The point is that there is no correct way to live that can be divined in advance. The way to live is just to live. The way to be more is just to be more. The way to have meaning is to make it meaningful, make life into what I want it to be...as soon as I figure out what that is.

Wow. That was more than ten minutes. I'll definitely try this again sometime...

posted by SS @ 2:44 PM