Thursday, January 19, 2006

I Had a Dream

I had a really weird dream last night, but I woke up so refreshed. I haven't woken up so, well, awake in a really long time. In any case, my dream was this: I was getting into a taxi and talking to Ben Avuyah about continuing to practice Orthodoxy in the face of internal atheism/doubts. He looked a lot like one of the dorm counselors in the yeshiva where my husband works (we've known this guy for years, since he was in yeshiva and he's now back as a madrich), and he followed me into the taxi. As the cab pulled away from the curb, we continued to talk, and I felt like it was a discussion that had been going on for a long time between the two of us. In the end, as the cab carried us away through the night, we agreed that it was easier to remain "frum" than to upset our whole lives. And the more complicated life got, and the more people that were involved, the more difficult it would get. Being married; having children; owning a home in a specific neighbourhood; belonging to a circle of friends - these all are factors that make it harder and harder to break away, even though remaining is perhaps not really "the truth."

Well, it was certainly a strange dream, but more in line with the kind of dreams I used to have... It's obvious that finding Ben Avuyah's blog yesterday brought me back to a time in my life when I was more true to myself, and more honest about how uncertain I was. The fact that he looked like the dorm counselor, is probably because I read this post and because the particular dorm counselor who appeared in my dream is most likely to behave in the same way - though he is not as extreme and does respect library property. He also respects rules - a lot. The taxi was because we took a taxi last night.

I'm tempted to say that I found the dream disturbing. But that's not true. I woke up feeling refreshed. Maybe the answer is that, as crazy as it may seem, I need to be me. I need the doubts. I need the uncertainty. Even though it all makes life difficult and makes me feel like an outsider, at least I am at home in my own mind. At least I AM me.


At 8:25 AM, Blogger Datingmaster, Jerusalem said...

dreams can jolt you
they can be wonderful
come and see my poem

At 12:43 PM, Blogger Masmida said...

I doubt therefore I am?

Pragmatic reasons to remain observent are good. But at the end of the day I think we all need deeper reasons than the Cohens next door or even the children's future.

yagati v'lo ma'tzati- al tanamin

if says i labored and i did not find, don't believe them.

you'll find answers that echo in your soul.

keep searching.

At 1:05 PM, Blogger araya(uh-ray-uh) said...

ss- I'm with masmida. You can't believe that the essence of your life is doubting and as long as you do you are being true to yourself. There must be something that is making you stay besides the fact that it would be a real bother to change now.
Keep looking for whatever it is that is pulling you to stay. I wish I had any better advice on how to find it.

Dating master-
you insult people so they stop reading your blog and now you are going around trying to get them all to come back! I have been to atleast six blogs today and at every one of them you are telling people about your poem. If you wouldn't insult people in the first place you wouldn't have to go around and advertise your blog everywhere! Come read my blog-you may find the newest post interesting.

At 5:32 AM, Blogger SS said...

Masmida and Araya,
I know. I'm not saying that doubt is good in and of itself. My point was that I can't continue pretending that the doubt isn't there. The uncertainty is part of who I am and ignoring it doesn't make it go away. I have to get Through it, not around it. If I keep trying to avoid it, it will continue to jump out at me. That was my point.

At 4:50 PM, Blogger Ben Avuyah said...

Sorry to interupt your sleep, ss, hope it wasn't too much of a nightmare.

I don't have much in the way of advice for your doubts, but I agree with you, be true to yourself and your own thoughts ! Come hell or high water, at least you will have done it as yourself.


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