Ruach MeMalelah

Random Depressed Thoughts

I spoke to a good friend of mine, who I've known since grade four the other day. She always understands me so much more than anyone else could. Not only have we been very close for a long time, but we also have similar personalities. Anyway, she was going through a hard time recently, kind of like the hard time I'm going through now. She's been doing a really big creative project, which has become her outlet for this negativity and has helped her get through it. (If you're reading this, J, and you know who you are, well, DO tell me that you know who I am.) She reiterated something that both I and my husband have been saying for a while - this bad feeling comes from being distant from myself, and I need to get back in touch with me. But, I don't know how! What an excuse, eh? I don't have the energy for a creative project. I've been shrinking my world more and more, and it's still too much for me. It's not the baby, and it's not my job. It's me. I feel like there is a whole world out there, but I'm still stuck in the maze. Maybe I should start meditating. And I've got to get myself in hand. I feel that I'm slipping, and it would be so easy to get to the stage where I just lie in bed all day. Thank G-d, I've never been there, but it has been bad at times. I have to start seeing the positive. Reframing, as they say. (See Wessel's latest post for an excellent example.) And finally figuring out what I want. I've never been good at that. My friend said that the most important thing was that she realized who she really is, and stopped trying to be the paradigm of every other role she thought she was supposed to fill. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I'm not sure I'm ready to admit that I'm not "normal". But there's no time like the present. And I know that if I don't do anything about this, it's only going to get worse, and I don't want to see what worse looks like, now do I?

posted by SS @ 6:00 AM