Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Welcome Home

Well, it has been a while... and there is so much to say. My husband asked me the other night if I'm happy being at home. I thought for a moment and answered, "I'm not unhappy; I just wish I was more productive. But really, I could be more productive, my problem, as we all know, is motivating myself, and I am not good at that." The real answer is that I want to be Mary Beth, or to be what I perceive her to be - a real Earth Mom to her children, someone fun, sexy and creative. I want to be laid back and confident. I wish I didn't have to worry about all the stuff that I worry about and that I could just be. On the other hand, I don't truthfully have so much to worry about, as my husband single-handedly takes care of our finances (which are in a bad situation), and lets me be oblivious as I want to be, and I don't read the news. But then I think about how I really would like to read the news and to know what's going on in the world. I do worry about our finances, and I would like to contribute to them and know that I'm making a difference in that area. And I also know that when I'm too laid back, I fall over.

So, as always, where's the balance between having an orderly home and having fun with my daughters, between being neat and put-together and becoming obsessive about it, as I easily could? How do I be myself when I've been lost for as long as I can remember? How can I make myself do something with my life when I've been in the same paralyzed situation for years? How do I avoid becoming even more of a broken record?

I had one of those late for class dreams the other night. I was in school and I found my way to every class - Economics, English, etc, and then, suddenly, I wasn't sure what day it was and what class I had next, and where the classroom was, and so I arrived late, and it turned out it was a class with a Rabbi who was my Rabbi before I got married, and whose Torah I love, and with whom I really connect. So, I walk in late, and everyone is staring at me because they know that this is my class, and I'm grinning because I'm so happy to be in this class again, and I sit down, and he starts directing his lecture right toward me, where I'm sitting in the back of the class. I don't think that it's too hard to understand what that dream means. I need to find my way back to my Torah, back to my roots, back to the Source of my life, because seriously, how long can I continue complaining about how I'm lost before I fix it?


At 12:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I could relate with your post. Even I find it difficult to motivate myself. Keep sharing!!

This is Joshua from
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Club of rich force of late on January 11 Guangzhou announces formally, before peace of ginger of constant big player, Wu Ping maple, Li Jianhua turns can join in rich force, 3 players will be met with team recently and prepare for war league matches exceeds in new sports season. Liu Yi of assistant president of rich force club thinks when accepting a special report, need not of actual strength of 3 new aid is oppugned, constant does not represent actual strength difference with the player that does not go up greatly. To before red hears ceaseless Jiang Ning, liu Yi states rich force is in all the time angle, never abandon.
Should be asked about why to choose Jiang Ning, Wu Ping maple, Li Jianhua when 3 people, liu Yi says: I am mixed by last year the high level with big constant discusses the be related that bring hold, but the team member that they hope to be able to let them with rental form quite joins in our team, but the idea that we have ourselves, we hope is to turn meeting. In player of a few targets, we most wanted team member is Jiang Ning, no matter the age or condition are our first selection, before the autograph is made an appointment with, still have report he goes to other club likely still, still have even say he has been signed about, but we never had abandoned to his angle, very sturdy.
Additional, wu Ping maple and Li Jianhua also were to hit old in exceed league matches, still be Guangdong record player, I believe pair of Guangdong footballs or be familiar with very much, I believe their arrival can promote the actual strength of rich force certainly. Liu Yi says then.
Before, liu Yi ever had said rich force is brought inside the target object of aid must be introduced in exceed player of a gleam of, but somebody feels these 3 people are constant is abandoned greatly will, as abhorrent as its view. To this, liu Yi expresses: Constant great actual strength is preeminent, will tell from actual strength, it is medium absolutely exceed unique powerful group, they do not represent actual strength difference with what do not go up, I can say their any player has particular actual strength, so these 3 people although constant big not need, but also be medium absolutely exceed player of a gleam of.

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