Tuesday, March 07, 2006

A Bit Over the Top

This might also come across as a little more than I ever wanted to say here, but there are a few good lessons that can come out of it that I wanted to share with my readers and myself...

That said, here goes *long exhale*...I've been having this recurring fantasy about someone to whom I recently realized that I am attracted. I won't go into all the details of my crazy imagination, but I will tell you that I recently wrote it out for myself, and there were a few tidbits that made me think and made me realize a lot more than I ever knew about myself.

Firstly, the fantasy involves a lot of kissing and cuddling during which clothing is systematically removed. After going through what I had written, I realized that I was half naked, but was still wearing my head covering. I find this really fascinating for a couple of reasons. One is that recently, I wasn't so sure that I was all that into covering my hair and was wondering about contemplating stopping, and here I am with a tznius fantasy! Not only that, but the fact that I was "undressing" and didn't even realize that I had not taken off my hat makes me realize that I view it as a part of me - a part that doesn't come away so easily.

Second, before I wrote it up, I realized that it would not go all the way - I just couldn't even imagine really fully cheating on my husband, but I originally was thinking that what stopped the couple would be the baby waking up from a nap and crying in the other room. But when I was writing, I came to the realization that I would not be able to let it go any farther once the principal actors in the fantasy realize that the hat is still in place. I couldn't have them realize and remove the hat and continue, so as the guy reaches over to take off the hair covering, the woman (I) stop(s) the whole thing from going any farther. I find this doubly amazing because it means that the very symbol of my marriage is what stops me from even fantasizing about someone else, and that's the way I want it to be. Nothing but that is what stops me - what makes me realize who I am and what my responsibilities are and to whom. The crying baby would also be a symbol of responsibility and of the marriage, I suppose, but not in the same way as the hat. The baby can be separated from the father in consciousness, but the hat is there only because of the existence of the husband. Interesting, no?

Lastly, the guy is someone who is a certain physical "type" - one that I have always been attracted to. I had thought that my sex drive was onthe decline, but I now realize that I was just hibernating. I'm not saying that I'm only attracted to that "type" or that my husband is unattractive to me. Maybe I just needed a jump start or something... There are other things that attract me to this person, and writing it all down helped me understand what they are, but those are qualities that he also shares with my husband, for the most part.

Oh, and one more thing - after writing it all up, I sort of felt disgusting - like maybe I had used him or something. I'm not sure if that makes sense or if anyone would ever say it makes sense, but it is how I felt - sort of cheap. It's not a great feeling and I'm not really sure where it comes from; I mean is it justified and I should never have thought these things about a real person (besides my husband)? Or is it completely misplaced guilt, leftover from some hangup I had in my past? I'm sure there are differing opinions and I'd love to hear them...

13 Comments:

At 6:50 PM, Blogger David_on_the_Lake said...

wow...very interesting.

It sort of reminds me of the Chassid that calls a hooker to his house...while his wife is away. Shw walks in sticks out her hand and says..hi I'm Candy..he instinctively jerks his hand away..mumbling..we dont shake hands with ladies.
In other words..he's resigned himself to having sex with her...but the mundane..thing like shaking hands with a woman is so ingrained in him..that he's not willing to part ways with that.
That might be what's happening with your headcovering.

Is this person...someone that it CAN happen with..like a neighbor or co-worker...
or is it like an actor?

Fascinating...

 
At 10:11 PM, Blogger SS said...

David, thanks for your comment. It is someone I know, but very unlikely as he is a LOT younger than me (10 yrs) and will only be around for another few months. I guess that technically it CAN happen, but I don't really think it will.

 
At 6:39 AM, Blogger Elie said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 11:19 AM, Blogger Elie said...

Very impressive honesty. The privilege of blogging anonymously. (I take it your hubby doesn't read the blog?)

I would guess that many nice, moral, relatively happily married people have fantasies like these. What keeps them from acting on the fantasies (assuming the object thereof is available/willing) is the realization that momentary pleasure - even if it feels deep and spiritual and much more than just physical - is not worth what you'd be throwing away. It sounds like you've reached that basic conclusion, with the head covering as a emblem. Good for you - be proud of yourself!

 
At 2:21 PM, Blogger SS said...

Elie, thank you so much for your sensitive comments. I really appreciate it. My husband does know about my blog and even sometimes reads it, but not very often and lately he's been really stressed, so not so in the mood for it. I'll probably post something new soon so that this won't be at the top of the page for long... One line in the story I wrote up about this was, "There is no such thing as innocent pleasure. There is no fun without consequences". That's exactly the realization that I came to through this. And it all makes me love and appreciate my husband even more.

 
At 7:16 PM, Blogger araya(uh-ray-uh) said...

I don't have a lot of experience with this kind of thing,ok, I have no experience. So maybe I am wrong but I think the whole part about the other guy is pretty insignificant. You love your husband and in reality you wouldn't cheat on him, so maybe this whole thing was just about you covering your hair. Like maybe that was the only way to lead up to it-you know what I mean? Maybe that was the whole point. Whatever the case you found out two things: 1. you love your husband and really appreciate him.Not that you didn't know that before but it just strengthened that.
2. you are proud of who you are. Your frumkeit and how you show it is not just habbit because habbit can be broken. But you didn't want to break this. This is part of you.
So based on those two things I don't think you should feel guilty at all. As long as you gain from it, not that I think it should become habbit to picture yourself with other men, but why should you regret it. The lesson is learned so you can keep the lessons and throw out the rest but you shouldn't feel dirty or cheap.

 
At 4:20 AM, Blogger Datingmaster, Jerusalem said...

a little fantasy is healthy
can I write a fantasy about you
anyway coem over and hear my side of the story becaus emy wife has gone too far with her blog

 
At 8:53 AM, Blogger Moochy said...

SS:
Just saw your blog for the first time, Fantasies are not wrong as long as you dont act on it.
Talmud relates a story about one thathas traveled continents to have sex with a model, but when he looked at his tzitzis, he ended up nit doing the act that he traveled so far for.
I am not sure if the point is that its something particuarly with Tzitzis, or if the idea was since its something holy, it will ayutomaticly send a message to stop, But logiclly it makes sense.

PS Men can never be used, since if they were given the option clearly, they would still go for it.

 
At 11:42 AM, Blogger SS said...

Araya, Thanks for your comments. I don't agree that it wasn't about the "other" guy, though. It certainly wasn't about my hair being covered. Maybe about how far I would be willing to let something else go... Let me know where you are these days

DM: You're the expert on fantasies... I've been by your blog, but I still don't think it's really your wife. Didn't you admit it was a Purim Shpiel?

Moochy: Thanks for stopping by, and for your comments. I disagree with you about the using thing, though. This guy is 18 years old, with no experience (I think). If I were to lead him into anything, it would totally be me leading - ie, using - him. He doesn't really want anything like me at this stage of his life...

 
At 1:10 PM, Blogger becomewhatur said...

i discovered this blog recently and am really fascinated by it. but this last discussion hit home.

i don't have any conclusions or concrete concepts to offer b/c i too am struggling. i'm chassidish and in chassidus it says "you are where your thoughts are." thoughts are not "just" thoughts. so i know that i beat myself up every time i think about another man (someone specific in my life). and yet, after i confided to a good friend about it, she (is not chassidish) said "you're being too hard on yourself." am I?

if you ever figure out a satisfying answer, let me know!

 
At 1:10 PM, Blogger becomewhatur said...

i discovered this blog recently and am really fascinated by it. but this last discussion hit home.

i don't have any conclusions or concrete concepts to offer b/c i too am struggling. i'm chassidish and in chassidus it says "you are where your thoughts are." thoughts are not "just" thoughts. so i know that i beat myself up every time i think about another man (someone specific in my life). and yet, after i confided to a good friend about it, she (is not chassidish) said "you're being too hard on yourself." am I?

if you ever figure out a satisfying answer, let me know!

 
At 12:48 AM, Blogger Datingmaster, Jerusalem said...

you are right, it is a purim parody

 
At 5:44 AM, Blogger SS said...

BWUR: Thanks for finally commenting... I don't have any easy answers, obviously, especially since I'm not being successful at getting the other guy off my mind, even after what I've said about it bringing me closer to my husband. The only thing I can tell you is something my husband said, which seems so small in light of your situation. He said that he doesn't mind my thinking about this other guy as long as I don't take it seriously. Everyone has their fantasies, and as long as I'm willing to leave it at that, he's okay with it. That doesn't seem to fit in with your situation, though, right now, so I might just be babbling for no reason.

 

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