Ruach MeMalelah

I once wrote a post like this, but never actually posted it... So, since the thought has occurred to me again, I want to write about it. Many people - both in real life and in the blogoshpere - talk about how their husband is the best, most amazing, wonderful man in the world and how they feel so lucky to be married to him. I put it this way, both because I am a woman, so I guess I connect more with the idea of speaking about a "husband", and because, with the exception of Robert, there aren't too many men who speak that same way about their wives. I'm not questioning that men feel the same way about their wives, but that is really a discussion for another time, and one that does not belong in this post.

So, back to the original thought: it's not that I question these women, because I believe that they really feel that way, and I do think they are really lucky to be able to say those things. On the other hand, I'm jealous. I want to say that and believe it. I want my marriage to be a haven. I want my husband to be my best friend, and I want to be his best friend. I want all of the things we dreamed of when we first met. I want to be comfortable together, and grow old together, and be one of those couples that just seems "perfect" together - and to really feel "perfect" together. But somehow, it's just not happening for me, for us...and I know that it's my fault. Why? Because I also want it to be easy. And it isn't. It's not supposed to be, either.

So, what do I need? How can I break the destructive cycle that we're in now? What can I do to fix this terrible situation? Because I don't want our relationship to be a blank, or a question mark. I want it to be, well, a relationship. I know that it all starts with me working on myself, becoming the person I need to be... But haven't I been trying to do that for the past number of years? Or have I? Am I just pretending, making excuses to myself and my husband? I know he thinks so. And he is correct when he says that I usually/often/always fail to follow through on my commitments. So I guess that that's where I begin. And what better time to do that than now - erev Rosh HaShanna... Resolutions, anyone?

posted by SS @ 9:15 PM