Monday, February 26, 2007

Today is a new day...

So, I went for a job interview yesterday and at the end, the interviewer says to me that he likes to give feedback to the people he meets. So he tells me that I'm still in the running, he just wants to finish interviewing everyone, and I definitely have the type of skills they're looking for and am personable etc etc etc...

But then, he tells me that I didn't seem energetic and excited enough and he's only still interested because he was watching closely and saw my eyes light up when he spoke about what the company does...

This really upset me for some reason, and I think it's related to something else that I've been thinking about for the past couple of days. I live much more in the past or future than in the present simply because it's easier that way. Most of the strong emotions I've felt in life have been negative. And even those that are positive seem like they have to be painful. For example, every time I let myself feel exactly how much I love my children, I cry. This upsets me for two reasons. The first is that my mother is the same way and it always bothered me growing up. I don't want to be that way now. The second reason it irks me is that it means I spend so much of my life worried that something will go wrong, that I don't enjoy anything as it's happening. My older daughter woke up at 5:30am and asked me to come to her room and lie down with her in bed. So when I got there I was scared to check on the baby because what if something had happened to her? What if she wasn't breathing?

Now, I realize that, at least according to Shlomo HaMelech, "love is strong as death", but it doesn't make you forget that death is coming. I'm so scared to get hurt in a way that will prevent me from functioning that I don't allow myself to function like I should in the here and now. I don't get excited. I don't let out the energy that I have inside, and I'm sure that if I did live life that way, I would have more energy and I would be able to do more with my life. I would be the creative person that I know I am inside. I wouldn't be paralyzed by fear of everything. I would actually follow things through. I would do my best at everything. I would try new things and have a ready answer for every question. I would look for fun and actually experience it.

Well, that's who I am and who I want to be. Can I be that person? Of course. Do I know how? Just do it, I guess. When? Starting now.

3 Comments:

At 6:54 AM, Blogger Elie said...

I'm also a person who worries a lot about what could happen (I suppose I have better reason than most). And I have always found change difficult, before the loss and certainly afterwards.

I've learned that a "do it now", all or nothing approach just doesn't work for me. I need to set intermediate goals, break down the big, scary change into achievable mini-changes. Maybe this approach would be easier for you than trying to do it all at once.

Good luck on the job interview. I've got to start looking around as well; my company has been imploding for five years now.

 
At 9:20 AM, Blogger Semgirl said...

Im always living in the past or thinking about the future, because when you are going thru a stressful or traumatic situation its very comforting to escape to a simpler time in your life.

 
At 12:29 AM, Blogger SS said...

Semgirl, but who says those are less stressful? I guess they seem that way because they are easier to control - the past is over and so you can make of it whatever you want, and the future is just plans, so you can manipulate your expectations to fit what you hope will actually happen.... I want to be here and now. I want to feel really alive.

Elie, I know it always takes me forever to reply to your comments. Please forgive me. In general, I agree with you, but I also feel that I need a complete overhaul, and that I can't do it in small parts because I feel like I'm not getting anywhere when I do that. Good luck to you on the job search... would you believe that after all that the guy hired me!?! I'm still not sure I want to stick around, though. We'll see...

 

Post a Comment

<< Home