Thursday, July 27, 2006

Depressed

I'm going through a really hard time lately. I've been feeling very down, and down on myself, and I just can't seem to get myself moving in a positive way. There are the little things here and there that I accomplish - I made my bed and cooked for Shabbos today - but I'm not doing the things that are supposed to be my priority (finding work). Not only that, I keep promising that I will do those things, and then I don't do them. I'm frustrating everyone with this, and I know it. So why don't I take positive action in the area that I need to? Am I afraid of failure? Am I afraid of success? I'm just so sick of feeling so bad about myself and about everything. I want to have creative ideas again. I feel like screaming. I need some inspiration and some motivation. I need to stop trying to be everyone else and to be me. But I've said that so many times before and I haven't done it, so what's going to change this time? I'm resigned to saying, "nothing." And that scares me. I can't live the rest of my life being this zombie who barely accomplishes anything in a day because I've got no substance to me, because I'm avoiding myself. All I want is the peace of mind to be able to focus. But that's not happening because I need to know that I have a job and money coming in. But that's not happening because I'm so low in the self-esteem department. When I read/hear about people who "turned their lives around", or are "now, a different person, and so happy", either I don't believe it, or I feel like there's no hope for me to feel that way ever. I know I'm wrong. I know it's there inside. I know that if I put my mind to it, I can accomplish anything. But I'm just not feeling it right now, and I'm not behaving like a person; I'm behaving like a zombie. And besides, even when I DO have that peace of mind, I don't use it to focus. I use it for more time wasting... I know that when I finally do it, I'll be so proud of myself and so happy that I'll just RUN with it. But now, well, I'm falling backwards, fast. I want to be rescued, but I know I'm the one who has to rescue myself. There is no rescue; there are no magic answers or quick solutions...

7 Comments:

At 6:15 PM, Blogger Elie said...

SS (wish I knew your real first name):

I did not respond to your post at first, because I knew there I had no really adequate or helpful response. When a person is truly depressed/upset, there are no words that can be used to "talk her out of it". To even try to do so is frankly insulting and belittling of the person's genuine and deep feelings.

But then I realized that by not responding, I was possibly contributing, in a small but real way, to your feelings of sadness and alone-ness. So I am here now - not to advise you, or to tell you what to do, but to just to remind you that I am here, listening and caring.

And to tell you, whether it helps or it not, that there are many others out there who have had these feelings, for shorter or longer periods of time. Unless you're a "meds" kind of person (I'm very much not; I have to be dying before I'll take an aspirin), sometimes the blue period just has play itself out.

But I hope that your knowing we're out there rooting for you to feel better, will be a step towards helping you do so!

Feel better.

 
At 6:15 PM, Blogger Elie said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 11:22 PM, Blogger SS said...

Elie,
Thank you for your warm words... I know that there are some posts that are easier to respond to and some that are harder, and I appreciate your thinking about it/me. These things tend to go in cycles, and when I posted my last post, I was at a very low point, and feeling really down on myself. As of now, I'm doing better, though still going through a rough period. As to meds - I'm exactly like you. I hate taking ANYTHING - unless I absolutely need it. Anyway, thanks for your kind words, and I will post something a bit more along my usual lines later today, I hope.

SS

 
At 6:08 PM, Blogger David_on_the_Lake said...

I'm sorry to hear about your little rut...I think everyone falls into one sometime in their lives.
I also have a problem which makes it hard to focus...hard to be goal oriented...
Just have to focus only on the future and forget that ur in a rut..because all it takes is really one switch in the brain..to turn on that resove..
Good Luck!
:-)

 
At 10:14 PM, Blogger SS said...

David, Thanks for the encouragement. About your post - I thought the "she" was Yerushalayim... But I like the way you wrote about it being the Shechina.

 
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