Monday, August 28, 2006

Failed? So What?

I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself. I just read a letter a wrote almost 5 years ago - it's stored on our computer - and it's still the same old story. I vowed then that I would change my life and be myself. I vowed to grow into the person inside, and well, I have to say, that being in the mood I was already in, reading this letter did not help me at all. I remember once hearing a lecture by Rabbi Orlofsky during sfirat Ha'omer in which he said that Rabbi Akiva was so great, not because he left home for years to study, and not because when he returned he didn't even come in the door, but turned around on the doorstep and went back to the beit midrash. It wasn't even that he only started learning at the age of 40, and yet amassed a huge following. No, the reason he was so great was because when all his students died he sat down, cried about it, and then he got up, brushed himself off and started again. He went and found five more students and started teaching again. This shiur by Rabbi Orlofsky always stuck with me, and I never knew why. Now I think I'm starting to understand. I've been a failure for 5 years (at least), but it's time to stop feeding into it by letting myself get depressed over it. It's (way past) time to move on. I have to stop looking around at other people and seeing what I'm not, and start looking into myself and seeing what I am. It's hard work, and I'm not really sure I want to do it. Change is a challenge. But there is no choice because I can't continue this way. It's over. And it's not a new me I'm looking for, it's the me I already am, and seem to have lost somewhere along the way. Tonight, I'm going to sit down and work on this some more.

5 Comments:

At 8:12 PM, Blogger David_on_the_Lake said...

What a perfect thought for Elul...

The your mind and being are gripped in a genuine desire to change you become a Tzaddik Gamur at that instance..no matter how many times you failed..THIS time you'll succeed...
The trick is never to look back..

Good luck!
:-)

 
At 5:30 PM, Blogger Elie said...

I agree, a timely thought. As I always like to say, teshuva is not about guilt, it's about second chances. And third chances. And millionth chances.

Don't give up on yourself!

 
At 5:06 AM, Blogger SS said...

Thank you both for being so supportive and positive. I'm putting more positivity in my life at the moment, and getting as far away from the negativity as I can manage. Wish me luck - oh you already did! Elie, it's true, the guilt NEVER gets me anywhere. David - yes, this time, I will succeed!

 
At 4:51 PM, Blogger ayala said...

I heard that shiur from Rabbi Orlofsky. The way he speaks I can always hear his voice saying it when someone repeats his words.
Despite the little that I know of you I am very proud of you. This time it's going to work. I know that this time you are going to succeed because you finally realize that you must fail to do so.

 
At 11:37 AM, Blogger SS said...

Ayala, thanks. I can't say much because this keyboad has a ew lettes that don't wok. (in case you couldn't tell) So, thanks, and I'll begin looking at you blog, too... btw, Good stoy ove at stoytelles...

 

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