Ruach MeMalelah

Thoughts and Reflections

I've been wanting to comment on what was the latest blog entry over at Beth's House when I began this post, but every time I start to comment, I feel like I have too much to say, and that I want to write a whole entry myself on the subject. So, without further ado, here it is.

It may be because something else, something more fundamental is missing in my life, that I don't agree with Beth. On the other hand, it could be just a simple gut reaction that dates back to some other, more angry time in my life. But, the fact is that I don't agree. I wish I did. I wish I saw the beauty in keeping my house clean. It does bother me when it's not, but the spiritual aspect is just not happening for me at the moment.

I've hinted to this before (I mentioned it in passing a while ago), housework bothers me in a basic way. I hate that it's never done. I feel drained by the thought of constantly doing and redoing the same thing over and over again. I appreciate a clean organized space, and maybe if it came naturally for me, I would be better at it. On the other hand, that just sounds like another excuse. I have to do it. I don't have to enjoy it, though that would make doing it a lot easier. I just feel like I don't really get a chance to sit back and enjoy my organized space before it gets disorganized again.

Doing my best is not what interests me at the moment, either. I know that I'm capable of doing it and keeping it done. But I feel like in order to do that, I have to keep it on my mind all the time, and the prospect of that is just terrifying to me. I've made lists, and even kept to them for at least a few days at a time, but it always winds up back at the beginning. Should I just accept that it doesn't come natually for me and work at it until it does? Is that really where I want to be expending my energy at this time? Or should I davka be looking for the spiritual side of it so that I can infuse it with meaning and make it part of what I WANT to be doing?

Then, there's another aspect of what Beth wrote; that is, the idea of growing into oneself. I'm always scared of every new stage of life. Or, at least, I'm not ready when it comes. Why am I trying to slow time? What am I hoping to accomplish by dwelling on the past, and refusing to face the present? Why am I pulling at the reins of my own life? I want to fly, don't I? I want to feel like I'm getting somewhere.

Then I think that maybe these two ideas are connected for me. I've always felt that looking for the spirituality in mundane tasks is possibly something that is supposed to be done, but at the same time, it feels like a little "too much" to me. It feels too "flighty and flowy", as some people would term it, and I'm not one of those people. But maybe the fact that I keep telling myself that is the very thing that's holding me back. Maybe the fact that I keep trying to keep my feet on the ground is what's burying my ambition. Perhaps I need to start flying in order to fly. Maybe this seems obvious to some of you, but it's not at all obvious to me. All this time, I've been thinking that I have to grow in a certain direction, but really I have to be undirected in my growth. H

posted by SS @ 3:22 AM