Monday, May 05, 2008

Exhausted and Normal

There is so much to write about and no time to do anything. I want to be able to sum up how I'm feeling, but so much of it is just too raw. I love my girls, and I'm loving them more every day. They love each other - especially the big girls loving the baby. I'm trying to discipline with and through love, and I think I'm actually getting somewhere with it. There is so much positive stuff in my life now and I'm truly blessed.

But I'm also exhausted, and I can't give time that I don't have. I'm learning to give it to myself and take care of myself when I need to during the day. But at night, and after I nurse I'm totally gone. I'm exhausted and freezing, and moody and it's my husband, once again, who's suffering. He just wants to spend time together. I'm finally available, but then I'm not really available. I let the girls stay up a little later to be able to see him, and it turns into an hour and a half of time that should have been "us time." And then I fall asleep when putting them to bed. And why? Yes, it is because I know he wants to see them. But mainly, it's because I don't know what spending time together means. I ask him if he wants to play a game or watch a movie, but he's not interested. I know that I don't have the head for learning together right now, and I'll just fall asleep if we try to read together. So, now the answer is clear - I'll just have to ask him what he thinks spending time together is about. And we'll talk about it. Like a normal couple.