Welcome Home
Well, it has been a while... and there is so much to say. My husband asked me the other night if I'm happy being at home. I thought for a moment and answered, "I'm not unhappy; I just wish I was more productive. But really, I could be more productive, my problem, as we all know, is motivating myself, and I am not good at that." The real answer is that I want to be Mary Beth, or to be what I perceive her to be - a real Earth Mom to her children, someone fun, sexy and creative. I want to be laid back and confident. I wish I didn't have to worry about all the stuff that I worry about and that I could just be. On the other hand, I don't truthfully have so much to worry about, as my husband single-handedly takes care of our finances (which are in a bad situation), and lets me be oblivious as I want to be, and I don't read the news. But then I think about how I really would like to read the news and to know what's going on in the world. I do worry about our finances, and I would like to contribute to them and know that I'm making a difference in that area. And I also know that when I'm too laid back, I fall over.So, as always, where's the balance between having an orderly home and having fun with my daughters, between being neat and put-together and becoming obsessive about it, as I easily could? How do I be myself when I've been lost for as long as I can remember? How can I make myself do something with my life when I've been in the same paralyzed situation for years? How do I avoid becoming even more of a broken record?
I had one of those late for class dreams the other night. I was in school and I found my way to every class - Economics, English, etc, and then, suddenly, I wasn't sure what day it was and what class I had next, and where the classroom was, and so I arrived late, and it turned out it was a class with a Rabbi who was my Rabbi before I got married, and whose Torah I love, and with whom I really connect. So, I walk in late, and everyone is staring at me because they know that this is my class, and I'm grinning because I'm so happy to be in this class again, and I sit down, and he starts directing his lecture right toward me, where I'm sitting in the back of the class. I don't think that it's too hard to understand what that dream means. I need to find my way back to my Torah, back to my roots, back to the Source of my life, because seriously, how long can I continue complaining about how I'm lost before I fix it?
posted by SS @ 5:25 AM
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