See ya soon (I hope)
I'm going to be moving this week. My blog will still be here in the same place, but my computer will not be hooked up for a while. I'm not sure when I will be connected to the internet again, so I may not be posting for a while. I will try to put something up tomorrow (I have had a few things knocking around my brain for the past little while, so I may even put up more than one post tomorrow.) We'll see... Moral of the story is: don't expect to see anything in terms of regular ity here after Thursday, perhaps for a while. Sorry for the inconvenience. As they say here in Israel, "itchem haslicha". In the meantime, here's something to keep you busy. If you don't read Seraphic Secret, you should, and here's a link to a
recent post of Robert's that I enjoyed. I hope you enjoy it too.
To Sleep, Perchance...
I always say that our daughter takes after my husband. Not only does she look a lot like him - as everybody always observes - but her personality is also a lot like his. Just like he can't sit still, she is also always on the move. He gets restless after a few minutes in one place, and she, too doesn't like to be held down. I always tell him that, at least in this way, they are alike. So, yesterday, he says to me, "You might think that it's only me who's like that, but you also are restless." Of course I denied it - anyway, it's so obviously not true. I love to sit in my corner for hours on end reading, doing sudoku puzzles, checking blogs, or even just doing nothing at all. How could anyone in their right mind call that "restless"? So he explained, "you can't go to sleep." Now, that is true, and I won't even bother trying to claim otherwise.
So, of course, that got me thinking. Why am I like that? Why don't I like to go to sleep? I used to say that I didn't want to think I was missing something, or that my mind was just too busy to let me rest. But that's not 100% true. The whole truth is that I don't like going to bed because I always feel like there's something else that has to be done. Not in that house-wifey, do the dishes, clean the house sort of way, but on a deeper level. There is always something more to accomplish, and that thought, lodged deep in my subconscious, doesn't let me sleep, doesn't let me want to sleep. It's not like I spend that time actually reaching any goals or anything; usually I'm just wasting time, but I don't want to go to sleep because maybe, just maybe, in another minute, I'll start doing whatever it is that I'm staying up for night after night.
Give and Take... or Take or Give?
I always feel like I can't do anything for myself... And I feel guilty if I think someone is depending on me for something but it conflicts with what I need/want. For example, the father of the family I babysit for in the mornings asked me today to make sure I come on time tomorrow (I watch their kids at their home) because he has a class with a special speaker first thing in the morning, or something. I responded that I actually wanted to tell him that I would have to come late tomorrow because we have a bris to go to that isn't local. I hoped that the bris would be early (we heard that it might be after vatikin), but I wasn't sure and I would let him know later. This is after I took a week of shorter hours three weeks ago, and come late periodically for other health-related reasons. I feel like I'm taking advantage or something. I'm not really sure how I'm taking advantage of them in this case, but that's how I feel... So, I feel guilty about it. But then I think to myself, "if I wasn't taking this time/opportunity/whatever for myself, then wouldn't I be taken advantage of?" I'm not saying that being dependable necessarily makes someone into a doormat, but being nice often means that people expect you to say yes - all the time. Is that the case - is the world about "take advantage, or be taken advantage of"?
Who Am I?
A few weeks ago, we were reading the newspaper, as we usually do on Shabbos. There was an article about this woman who travelled around a lot and then, after a conversation with an old friend, decided to make aliya. She bought a felafel shop in Jerusalem and now spends her days writing, doing art projects and running her felafel shop. This was a true story of a real person. After we finished reading, my husband said, "that woman is your type of person, isn't she?" Well, I didn't want to admit it, though I have had many such friends in my life. I've always felt that they are sort of flighty, and I'd like to think I'm a bit more grounded than that. Then, later, we had another conversation where my husband said that I'm a certain type of person (dreamy or artsy or something like that), to which I replied, "yeah, but I keep that side of myself hidden". And he said, "...even from yourself." This got me thinking, especially in light of a discussion over at
MC Aryeh's place about dreams and ambitions. I'm not sure what I want for myself. What do I want in life? Who do I want to be? Who can I be?
A friend of mine told me a while ago that after 8 years of marriage, she is finally
able to come to terms with the fact that she is not made to be June Cleaver. She is a musician, and that's all there is to it. Being a housewife will never satisfy her because that is not who she is, and she won't be able to do it well, either. Well, maybe I would do well to make a similar observation about myself. I'm no musician, but I am a writer. And I would not say that housework will never satisfy me. If it's the only thing there is, then yes, no joy there, but if I am fulfilled in other parts of my life, well, then I can enjoy the housework, too. I'm also interested in going back to school at some point in the future...maybe even soon. I know it can't be too soon, because we can't afford it right now, but once we pay off our newest debts, I want to start saving up for grad school. I've wanted to get a PhD for as long as I can remember and academia has always held an interest for me. So, that's a possible long term plan....
And for now, well, for now, I want to ... that's harder to say. What do I want for right now, in my life?
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
...It's now about a week later, and I want to state that I've come to a realization about myself. I'm at my best when I'm believing in someone else. So maybe I should go into a helping profession. I've always been able to encourage others and believe in them, even against all odds. There was the son of our family friends who had gone off the derech somewhat, and then went to yeshiva in Israel. He ended up staying for two years and turning his life around, and it was partly due to my encouragement... Then there's one of the guys here in our yeshiva this year - I keep encouraging him to go to minyan and to get involved in things, and I think it's making a difference. Why can't I encourage myself that way? Why is it so much easier to believe in others than it is to believe in myself?
Crisis...Non-Existent
Just to let you all know - especially you,
Elie - my husband decided to check out my blog last Thursday. This was not a disaster, as we all thought it might turn out to be. I think that the fact that this brought me closer to him, and made me realize how important he is to me really made a difference. He even guessed who the guy is, and called him my "boyfriend" a couple of times. It took me a while, but I finally got up the nerve to ask how he knew who it was and he just said, "I know". Kidding aside, though, this has made me understand how important good communication is. I was actually going to tell him on Thursday morning to read it, so I was surprised that he knew, but not upset that he had read it. He really is a good man and a wonderful husband. Now, if only I could do something to deserve him...
A Bit Over the Top
This might also come across as a little more than I ever wanted to say here, but there are a few good lessons that can come out of it that I wanted to share with my readers and myself...
That said, here goes *long exhale*...I've been having this recurring fantasy about someone to whom I recently realized that I am attracted. I won't go into all the details of my crazy imagination, but I will tell you that I recently wrote it out for myself, and there were a few tidbits that made me think and made me realize a lot more than I ever knew about myself.
Firstly, the fantasy involves a lot of kissing and cuddling during which clothing is systematically removed. After going through what I had written, I realized that I was half naked, but was still wearing my head covering. I find this really fascinating for a couple of reasons. One is that recently, I wasn't so sure that I was all that into covering my hair and was wondering about contemplating stopping, and here I am with a tznius fantasy! Not only that, but the fact that I was "undressing" and didn't even realize that I had not taken off my hat makes me realize that I view it as a part of me - a part that doesn't come away so easily.
Second, before I wrote it up, I realized that it would not go all the way - I just couldn't even imagine really fully cheating on my husband, but I originally was thinking that what stopped the couple would be the baby waking up from a nap and crying in the other room. But when I was writing, I came to the realization that I would not be able to let it go any farther once the principal actors in the fantasy realize that the hat is still in place. I couldn't have them realize and remove the hat and continue, so as the guy reaches over to take off the hair covering, the woman (I) stop(s) the whole thing from going any farther. I find this doubly amazing because it means that the very symbol of my marriage is what stops me from even fantasizing about someone else, and that's the way I want it to be. Nothing but that is what stops me - what makes me realize who I am and what my responsibilities are and to whom. The crying baby would also be a symbol of responsibility and of the marriage, I suppose, but not in the same way as the hat. The baby can be separated from the father in consciousness, but the hat is there only because of the existence of the husband. Interesting, no?
Lastly, the guy is someone who is a certain physical "type" - one that I have always been attracted to. I had thought that my sex drive was onthe decline, but I now realize that I was just hibernating. I'm not saying that I'm only attracted to that "type" or that my husband is unattractive to me. Maybe I just needed a jump start or something... There are other things that attract me to this person, and writing it all down helped me understand what they are, but those are qualities that he also shares with my husband, for the most part.
Oh, and one more thing - after writing it all up, I sort of felt disgusting - like maybe I had used him or something. I'm not sure if that makes sense or if anyone would ever say it makes sense, but it is how I felt - sort of cheap. It's not a great feeling and I'm not really sure where it comes from; I mean is it justified and I should never have thought these things about a real person (besides my husband)? Or is it completely misplaced guilt, leftover from some hangup I had in my past? I'm sure there are differing opinions and I'd love to hear them...
I'm back
Sorry about the long hiatus - I also told
MC that I would be posting something in the next two days, and that was 2 weeks ago! We ended up taking a vacation and then some work piled up, so I haven't been able to take the time for a real entry. The other problem is that I have something to write about that I'm not sure I want to post. I've been writing a story, but I'm not sure I want to share it. So, this is just an apology post. More to come, soon, including the post I promised to MC!
Have a good week.
