Why I'm Up in the Middle of the Night
I feel angry and disappointed. I don't want to forgive and I don't believe in forgetting. I heard the apology, but it's just not enough. I'm tired of not having the space to change things. I know I'm not the only one who wants it to be different. I know that I sometimes see only one side of the story and I may therefore seem negative. But... But I want things to go my way for once. I want to feel something other than anger. And this time it was so much worse, because I tried. I tried not to disappoint. I tried to open myself up to the pain and pleasure. I tried to join in - something that has always been a bit of an issue for me. I didn't reserve judgment or hold out. I tried to be engaged fully. And all I got for it was anger and disappointment. I acknowledged my wishes and asked for what I wanted, and then it didn't happen. I know objectively that I do the same thing sometimes, that life often goes the exact opposite way. But I don't really see how that should make me feel any better. If anything, it would make me feel worse, because now I understand what I've been doing. But it doesn't make me want to change. It makes me want to be even more selfish. It makes me want for myself what I can't give to others. It makes me greedy and grasping, and ugly. It makes me say, "Why can't things go my way for once?" It makes me feel powerless, and unable to sleep. It makes me bitter and unresponsive. It saps me of any love I may feel. It makes it so much harder to become the person I want to become with the life I want to have and the relationships I want. It makes it hard to love my family, and even harder to be giving and loving. It fills me with more anger, instead of helping me rid myself of the poison of it. It makes me feel so out of control. And what I need to do, what I've been wanting and needing to do is to take control. But the bitterness and disappointment make me feel that I can't take control, that if I do, it will all just backfire in the end, that I'll never get what I want and then I'll just be bitter forever. So, all I can do is control the small piece of the world that is me. All I can do is try to master myself. All I can do is increase the love, and hope that one day it will finally outweigh the anger.
Compartmentalized
There are a
lot of
people out there blogging about pregnancy - about the cocoon, the space, the haven of it. I have never experienced it like that. Not before my miscarriage, not with either of my girls, and not now. I am moving closer to it, I think, spending time paying attention to the small movements I feel, and just holding my belly as I lie in bed at night, trying to relax, or wind down, or whatever. But it's still all the same issue (of course). I feel torn in too many directions at once. I know I've talked about compartmentalization before, and I am not very much in favor of living life that way, but this "feeling," this way of being with the unborn baby is something that sounds so good, so peaceful, so much like what I am looking for. And yet, I still don't take time for myself. I still deny myself any privilege, either as a person or as a pregnant woman. Why? Is it because in my community, pregnant women are a dime a dozen, and this isn't my first child, after all, never mind that I didn't do it then? I don't think that's it.
I believe that the issue is one of compartmentalization, and my inability to get the hang of it. Why? Well, I can't just be with a baby who hasn't even arrived yet when the other kids need a bath, the floor hasn't been swept, all the toys are all over the place, dinner hasn't been planned, my husband wants my attention, and I'm behind on work. And so many other things, too. And of course, my family and work have to be a priority... So, where do I fit in? Where does the unborn baby, clamoring already for attention, fit in? And how do any of these relationships really work? People will tell you it's about giving. But, I either give so much that I get burnt out, or I neglect to give because I'm worried about burning out. The answer is that I need to take the time for myself, and when better to do this than now, just halfway through a third pregnancy, about to go on a three-week vacation where my relatives want to go out with me and treat me? Why not let them? Part of the reason for this vacation is my birthday, after all...
But, about compartmentalization (because this entry is rambling off somewhere else, so I'm trying to bring it back to where I want it to be), on the one hand, it seems that this cocoon of pregnancy, this chrysalis is something all-encompassing. It's something that takes over the life of the pregnant woman until she gives birth, or even later than that... But on the other hand, it seems imperative to let go of everything else in order to make the space for the baby and for myself, to push everything else aside, off the table. And that is what seems so difficult for me. I can't push everything else aside because I'm worried about never coming back to it. I'm worried about losing track of how many doors I've closed and suddenly realizing that I've neglected some other priority. And those priorities are real, are things that can't be ignored - we need them. I need to be there for my children and my husband (not that I can be, if I'm not there for myself, but that'll be my next post). I need to work. I need to clean the house. So many things just need to be done by me - how do I make/have the time for all of them? Ahh, something to reflect upon while on vacation.
Mutually Exclusive
So, I'm not American. I won't be voting in either the Primaries or the elections. Thank God! I'm also not extremely political by nature, nor am I usually extremely interested in politics. But... it all does come up in my work, on the Internet, in conversation. So, well, something bothered me in the recent YouTube debate last Wednesday night. Not that I watched it. No, I just had to watch a whole bunch of commentary on it for my work. So, what bothered me was this: in a country - one of the only countries in the world - where there is ostensibly a separation between Church and State, where that Separation is of ultimate importance, and was of ultimate importance to those who established it, where diversity is the name of the game, how come people were asking the presidential candidates questions about how they view the Bible, or what Jesus would think about this or that? Why is it important if Mitt Romney is a Mormon (though I'm now fairly certain that he won't be the next President, and very likely, he won't ever be President at all)? You know, I thought that of all the candidates, Romney had a good chance of making it to the top (not that I support any specific candidate, not being American after all). Maybe not in this election, but perhaps somewhere down the road. But, now, no way. Now that I know he's a Mormon, I know that the American public will never vote him into office...
But, I digress. And as witty as that comeback was - was it Huckabee who said it - "Jesus was smart enough never to run for public office, that's what Jesus would do!" well, still, who really cares? What political difference does it make what Jesus would say about Capital Punishment? I'm not naive enough to think that people can all be like my University History professor who was so compartmentalized that God was not allowed in his classroom, and yet he was on the ecumenical council of his Church. In fact, I don't think that it's healthy in any way to be like that - emotionally, spiritually, politically. So, yes, religion probably does factor into where on the political spectrum any given candidate stands on any given issue - be it abortion, Capital Punishment, immigration (?), but to word it that way seemed extremely dangerous to me in a liberal country like America. Does it matter if any candidate takes the Bible literally? How would that fact affect anything on his or her platform? Is Jesus running in this election? No. Then who really cares what he would do or say about anything? Nobody knows anyway, and so it's all up to anybody's interpretation. Of course, my history professor would say that anything anyone says about Jesus is up to anybody's interpretation, but that's neither here nor there, and I'm just rambling now.
As I started out by saying, I'm not American, I'm not voting, and this election doesn't affect me too much one way or the other. I live in Israel, and in my opinion, one American President is pretty much the same as the next. Everyone who tries or wants to do anything in my corner of the world probably has some agenda of their own, whether it's Hillary Clinton, Rudy Giuliani or Barack Obama. Perhaps one would have a "better" or "more friendly" agenda than another, but in all, they're all the same. They don't have my interests in mind, and I'm not really interested in what they do have in mind. So, yeah, this election doesn't really affect me much more than any other non-American who doesn't live or want to live in the US, apart from members of my family who do live there. What bothers me is a matter of principle, I suppose. If Church and State are mutually exclusive, well then, don't mention one in the context of the other. Period.
