Depressed
I'm going through a really hard time lately. I've been feeling very down, and down on myself, and I just can't seem to get myself moving in a positive way. There are the little things here and there that I accomplish - I made my bed and cooked for Shabbos today - but I'm not doing the things that are supposed to be my priority (finding work). Not only that, I keep promising that I will do those things, and then I don't do them. I'm frustrating everyone with this, and I know it. So why don't I take positive action in the area that I need to? Am I afraid of failure? Am I afraid of success? I'm just so sick of feeling so bad about myself and about everything. I want to have creative ideas again. I feel like screaming. I need some inspiration and some motivation. I need to stop trying to be everyone else and to be me. But I've said that so many times before and I haven't done it, so what's going to change this time? I'm resigned to saying, "nothing." And that scares me. I can't live the rest of my life being this zombie who barely accomplishes anything in a day because I've got no substance to me, because I'm avoiding myself. All I want is the peace of mind to be able to focus. But that's not happening because I need to know that I have a job and money coming in. But that's not happening because I'm so low in the self-esteem department. When I read/hear about people who "turned their lives around", or are "now, a different person, and so happy", either I don't believe it, or I feel like there's no hope for me to feel that way ever. I know I'm wrong. I know it's there inside. I know that if I put my mind to it, I can accomplish anything. But I'm just not feeling it right now, and I'm not behaving like a person; I'm behaving like a zombie. And besides, even when I DO have that peace of mind, I don't use it to focus. I use it for more time wasting... I know that when I finally do it, I'll be so proud of myself and so happy that I'll just RUN with it. But now, well, I'm falling backwards, fast. I want to be rescued, but I know I'm the one who has to rescue myself. There is no rescue; there are no magic answers or quick solutions...
Annoying Houseguests
Looks like a family member of mine who drives me crazy is coming to visit next month. I haven't seen him in a year and a half, and I kind of like it that way. He isn't coming alone, but he eggs on the others who he is coming with. I'm starting to dread their visit. A lot. You might be wondering what I mean when I say that he "drives me crazy", so I'll explain. He is extremely opinionated and very set in his ways. He has views on everything and thinks that he is frummer than the rest of the world, and he has taught certain other members of my family to think this way, too.
Now, I won't deny that at one point, back in college, I was hearing a similar message from my own rabbi about myself, ie, that I was in the top 2% of Jewish people in our city. But I knew deep down that that wasn't me. I tried to "live up to it" for a little while, but, in the end, I realized the truth and now I just do my thing and try to make sure it's the right thing.
So why is it that this person gets to me? Is it that I'm secretly harbouring some guilt about not being "frum enough"? Or is it that his type of person just seems so "holier than thou", and I don't feel I have the strength to deal with it? Or is it just that I was bullied by him for a few years and I hate having to interact with him? Probably a mixture of the three. So how do I get over it in time for this visit, because I can't just let it happen with me getting more and more stressed out as the visit drags on. It's my home, and I want to feel like I'm in charge. It's my space, so I have to make it as comfortable as possible for my family - meaning me, my husband and my daughter. Other than that, not much else can be done. I have to think positive, and then BE positive...if I can...
New Blog
I'm not using this as an excuse for an entry, I'm planning one for later today. I just wanted to let y'all know that I started a new blog for creative writing endeavors. It's called Poiesis, and can be found
here. Thank you all for your continued support...
SS
A ... Z
Well, in keeping with my job title and my unusual talent, listed below, here it - finally - is...
Accent: Canadian lite (used to be stronger, but not living there has made a difference.
Booze: Semi-dry white wine, Amaretto and O.J., Kaluha and Coke (haven't had either of those last two mixes in a while, though.)
Chore I Hate: Dusting
Dogs/Cats: Had a dog when I was little, but now I'm not such an animal lover.
Essential Electronics: Computer, Hand Mixer, kettle...
Favorite Perfume/Cologne: None - I hate the stuff.
Gold & Silver: This is a sore subject as my two most precious pieces of jewelry were recently stolen (yes, the wedding and engagement rings).
Hometown: Jerusalem is the only city I know inside out, ie well enough to call it my hometown.
Insomnia: Sometimes...that's how I started the blog!
Job Title: Procrastinator (no, really...)
Kids: One and a third (BS"T).
Living Arrangements: Family home on the outskirts of Jerusalem.
Most Admired Trait: Intelligence, and writing skills.
Number of Sexual Partners: MYOB
Overnight Hospital Stays: Two miscarriages, one birth, and a week's hospital stay after a bad car accident 10 years ago.
Phobias: Anything emotional - my life is about fear, but we're trying to deal with it. I'm really afraid of failure, though; it's probably my biggest fear.
Quotes: "You keep on using that word; I do not think it means what you think it means."
Religion: Jewish.
Siblings: One sister, two step-brothers and four step-sisters.
Time I Usually Wake Up: 7:00, when the sun shines in through our trisim.
Unusual Talent: Finding stuff to do when I really have more important things to do.
Vegetable I Refuse To Eat: Beets.
Worst Habit: Avoiding direct questions.
X-Rays: Neck, arm, wrist, CT scan on kidneys, HSG
Yummy Foods I Make: Everything I make is yummy!
Zodiac Sign: Capricorn.
No excuses.
My plan is to blog at least once a week. I want to keep this going, and I want to keep up the connection with all of you...if you're still there. It's part of the process of getting my life together. A close friend recently told me that I should stop reading blogs, and I had a bit of a falling out with my husband about the blog. So, I put it on hiatus for a bit...just until I decided what I really wanted to do. And I decided. There are so many great blogs out there, written by so many great people, and I want to be a part of it. I was beginning to be, so I know I can be. I've made my profile private, so you can't link to me from elsewhere, which may lessen the number of people who find their way here. But that's what I need to do right now. I made a big mistake a while ago, and that is how I have to rectify it. Maybe in the future I will decide differently, but for now, that's the plan. Happy reading, and tomorrow, God willing, I will put up the answers to that meme that Elie tagged me for about 4 months ago. It's all part of the plan.
